April 18, 2008

Man Faces Charges for Having Sex With Picnic Table.

I mean, I’ve done some kinky stuff in my time. But patio furniture?

Four times?

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10 Responses to Man Faces Charges for Having Sex With Picnic Table

  1. Willym says:

    Now I want to see how Law and Order:SVU handles this one.

  2. Logan says:

    Too bad it wasn’t a wooden picnic table.

  3. goblinbox says:

    Has anyone asked the table how it feels about all this?!

  4. Michael says:

    Well, it’s not like his picnic table would fit in the bedroom.

  5. Andy says:

    It’s always about the children, isn’t it? Like some child is going to be emotionally warped if you have to say, “Oh, that’s just our odd neighbor having sex with a table. Which reminds me, I need to find an excuse to get out of his barbeque next weekend.” I don’t understand. It’s not against the law to fuck furniture, is it? Public indecency, pfffffft. Our President is publicly less decent every day. Sometimes I wish our country had been founded by hippies, or at least libertarians, rather than Puritans.

  6. TED says:

    The act itself certainly sounds uncomfortable to me, but I find my sense of humor defeated by this story. Imagine being the neighbors who saw this and then decided to videotape it. And it’s a felony? Simply because he lives near a school? So this guy could go to jail and probably be required to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life because his neighbors are prudes. It’s just sad.

  7. Keith says:

    I’ve always said this day would come. The day you have to shlep the patio furniture indoors to shtup it is the day I move to Canada.

  8. John says:

    Four times, and yet I’ll bet he felt no sense of commitment to that table. Further proof that men are pigs.

  9. birdfarm says:

    I’m with TED. I’m disturbed and upset that this is considered a felony! jesus! And that all the neighbors are on their high horses! You’d think they didn’t have sex lives of their own. Oh wait – they probably don’t.

    I’m just upset because I always fear my own more sordid activities will someday come to light and destroy my career for no good reason.

  10. initials says:

    If humping a picnic table is wrong, I don’t want to be right… Just kidding! Yes, his neighbors are prudes, but there’s the indecent exposure thing to deal with. I mean, frottage with inanimate objects is just fine as far as I’m concerned… Calling it “sex” in the media is a touch sensationalistic, but understandable given the puritanical attitude in this country toward physical love, especially self-love. The fact that this was done outdoors, however, and without proper visual baffling? Let’s just say that Mrs. P. should be embarrassed that she’s not boofing her husband more often, since he was obviously desperate enough to pull this without at least taking the umbrella to the basement for “a-fixin.”


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