Note to self: in the future, when suffering from early morning insomnia, do not travel west. If you do, time zone changes will lead you to find yourself sitting awake at the local time of 3:00 a.m., unable by hook or by crook to fall back asleep. You will not be able to call your boyfriend for at least another two hours; in the meantime you will work yourself slowly but surely into a passion of self-recrimination and fear. You will try to ward this off by watching the DVD of Bring It On Again, the straight-to-video sequel to Bring It On, but, inexplicably, the attempt will fail. You will end up reading but not taking in Steve Martin’s very funny piece about Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ in The New Yorker, a magazine you don’t usually read because it makes you feel ignorant, while you eat muffin after sugar-filled muffin and wait for the rest of the house to wake up so you can eat more muffins with them and then spend all day avoiding the scale because you really don’t want to know how much weight you have put on and not calling your boyfriend because you don’t want him to know how much weight you have put on either, though of course he’ll find out soon enough when he sees you.
The solution to all this would naturally be to travel east by a couple of time zones. Unfortunately, implementing this plan would land me smack dab in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, where insomnia would be the least of my problems.