October 21, 2003

Today my acupuncturist had an open house. I foolishly ate lunch before going, and, because I was unable to resist the delicious spread of cheese and crackers and crudités she had put out, ate lunch again when I got there, which means that my goal of getting below 135 pounds before I go to a costume party Saturday for which my costume requires that I be shirtless is even less likely to happen than it was before and yet another opportunity for self-loathing is about to be opened to me.

In any case, at the open house, I had my antioxidant level tested. Apparently the average American has an antioxidant level of about 19,000. Since one in four Americans develops some form of cancer, one can conclude that 19,000 is an unacceptably low level. The people doing the testing (who were there as guests of my acupuncturist) told me what a better level to reach was; I think they said 50,000, but I have lost all certainty in my horror at having an antioxidant level of 13,000, which means I am going to get cancer and die next week.

I got extra veggies on the Subway sandwich I ate for dinner and I just ate two cucumbers for a nighttime snack, but I suspect it's too little too late.

It's been lovely knowing all of you.

Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Today my acupuncturist had an

  1. healthy self says:

    blueberries, blueberries, blueberries!

  2. D.R. says:

    MY antioxidant level was 33,000!

  3. I hope you enjoy my funeral, bitch.

  4. tim says:

    my antioxidant level is probably 13.

  5. We’re not allowed antioxidants over here – it’s not PC.

  6. C.P. says:


    White tea is also nice. Remember to have lots of different colors on your plate as much as possible. Eat up Faustus! You’re too cute to die! 😉 (On the other hand, everyone would remember you as your young and beautiful self forever.)

  7. chickenhead says:

    Child, how tall *are* you???

    Lawd, if you can’t keep to 135, you IS fat.

  8. I’m just under 5’6″. And not fat. Just neurotic.

  9. Wayne says:

    Apple Diet.

    Yep. eat only Apples (no matter when, or how many) for 3 days. You will loose weight!!!

    But you might need a cane to help you walk on the 3rd Day….

  10. Suzywoozy says:

    I ate a vegetable once. I think it was about twelve years ago. Are they like shots? Will I have to eat a “booster”?

  11. Anonymous says:

    Wayne, the problem with that solution is that I’m allergic to apples.

    Not nearly as allergic as I used to be, thanks to my acupuncturist. I can now eat an apple without entering a state of misery for the next hour. But eating nothing but apples for three days would still probably be too much.

  12. joe says:

    Antioxidants are just the latest load of hooey being spread around in the health-nut community. Hello, laetrile anyone? The NIH still thinks excessive antioxidants make actually HURRY cancer, rather than prevent it.

    “Antioxidant supplementation may actually cause harm in terms of increased risk of new disease or interference with treatment of existing disease.” – Harold Siefried, Division of Cancer Prevention at the National Cancer Institute.

    As always, the (ahem) bottom line here for Faustus is a simple balanced diet. Not needles and antioxidants.

  13. Anonymous #7 says:

    RIP 😉

  14. Patrick says:

    No, please, wait, you can’t die just yet. I still haven’t gotten my sex from the blogathon donation.

  15. Wayne says:

    er… Pear Diet… yeah…. that would work… I think….


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *