May 2, 2006

A few years ago I wrote a couple of posts about being filmed in my first (and so far only) porn movie.

In the second of these posts, I revealed the porn name that I had chosen. I did not use the standard Name of First Pet/Name of Street Where You Grew Up algorithm (though, to be honest, doing so would have resulted in the terrific porn name Stan Savage); it was simply the inspiration of the moment. However, I have just gone back and removed it from the post, because yesterday inspiration struck much more powerfully and I have now come up with a porn name for myself that is quite possibly the most brilliant thing I will ever do and I should just kill myself now because it’ll all be downhill from here.

And the name is:

Toby Defarge.

“Toby” is the bottomest name I can think of. And “Defarge” of course is the name of the woman in A Tale of Two Cities who works her enemies’ names into her knitting, thereby dooming them to the guillotine.

Bottoming, knitting, and revenge. If only there were a way to add chocolate to the mix, I really would have distilled my very essence into a name, at which point I would probably never be able to reveal it to anybody for fear that, by using it, s/he would gain power over my very soul.

Of course, this is all moot anyway, unless I can persuade E.S. to appear in a porn movie with me.

Okay, I know what I’m asking for for my birthday next year.

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25 Responses to A few years ago I wrote a couple of posts about being filmed

  1. Uncle Zoloft says:

    Faustus becomes a home owner and pays the mortage with homemade porn ~ this is going to be as much fun to watch as Lucy and Ethel in the chocolate factory.

  2. will says:

    Toby McGuire is on line 3…he’d like a word with you.

  3. Adam875 says:

    I’m not sure what’s weirder – that you had a pet named Stan or that you grew up on Savage Street.

  4. Kenny says:

    Toby Skor Defarge. The addition of a middle name is great for two reasons: first, Skor is a chocolate bar, so mission accomplished on that front. Also, Skor is a homophone for “score,” which carries strong sexual overtones.

    The only thing I’m unsure of is whether a middle name is acceptable in the world of porn.

  5. John says:

    Personally, I think Stan Savage is better. But that’s just me.

    What would E.S.’s porn name be??

  6. anapestic says:

    I’m sure that the scene where you’re turning a heel while taking one (or two) for La République will bring tears to our eyes.

  7. Ruby says:

    So if E.S. doesn’t participate in it, you won’t do another one? *Shocked* Where did the old Faustus go?

    Are you saying this willingly or because the bf has put his foot down? 😉

  8. goblinbox says:

    You truly are a genius!

  9. tralfaz says:

    Hmmm…. The Tail of Two Cities. Toby Defarge works his enemies over, thereby dooming them to the guillotine.

  10. Dave says:

    I’d like to preorder a copy, please. In fact, I’ll take two.

  11. campbell says:

    Nah! Toby Defarge is far, far too foofy for a nom de porn. If, on the other hand you were looking to work as an interior decorator…..

  12. Uncle Zoloft says:

    Now Savage Defarge would really work as a porn star name.

    Faustus, with a buzz cut, some tatoos and a few scars you’ll be ready to go

    Scene 1:

    Savage Defarge sits naked amongst the Spanish Moss knitting a thong for his next gig at Splash. His attention is diverted to a student of psychology sunbathing while going over the works of Jung. [Savage looks into the lens and smiles like a Cheshire Cat, ready to plunge.]

  13. Jeff says:

    Wait, how much did you get paid for the gig?

  14. I would be “Bala Dahlgreen” and that sucks. I want a new name.

  15. Jill Smith says:

    What, not Toby Godiva Defarge or Toby Defarge Ghirardelli?

  16. Anonymous says:

    My pet/street name is Lulu Winston. Much sexier than Velma Biggers. I just may have to get a name change.

  17. Eric says:

    Wow. That is a lot of thought. I usually just go with the traditional, which results in my becoming: Skunk Carter.

    It’s kind of more like a mob hitman name, I think.

  18. Johnboy says:

    Will your Colt Men calendar be available at more discriminating newsagents in time for Christmas? Goodie, that’s my shopping done!

  19. Patrick M says:

    With bottoming, isn’t chocolate always in the mix?

  20. Sin says:

    The problem with my using the drag queen algorithm is that having grown up in a Third World country, I’d probably sound even MORE like a terrorist than I do now.

    Then again, my first pet’s name was “Tricks”. Which as I’m sure you can imagine, would lend itself to any number of images.

  21. Will C. says:

    My porn name — according to your given algorithm — is “Fluffy Partridge”.

    Hardly a top’s name. I protest!

    — W

  22. Mel says:

    I learned that pet/street was for drag & HS mascot/first car was for porn. For the former, I’m Bootsie Ponderosa – which means I’d have to do Patsy Cline numbers, cowgirl boots with fringe. For the latter, I’m Ram Nova (perfect, no?), but I do not expect to be getting any calls from the studios.

  23. Frank says:

    Nice to see you’ve kept the original first name.

  24. Kit says:

    I’d go with Toby “Fudge” deFarge

  25. Tobie Defarge says:

    I can’t believe I’m only just seeing this post for the first time! Although we spell it differently- this is what I found googling myself. This made my day.

    (Regarding working chocolate into it, some time in college I ended up with the nickname “Toblerone,” so there you go)


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