July 18, 2005

This is Sparky, your nurse practitioner in the doctor’s absence:

I know you think I
Like it when you slap my ass.
You are mistaken.

Have you ever been fooling around with someone and suddenly realized that you weren’t much more than an elaborate masturbatory aid? Like you were just one of the accessories of his scene? It’s such a disappointing moment. It’s awkward to go through those sexual negotiations with someone, trying one way or another to let him know what you like, trying to figure out what he likes. Sometimes he won’t get your hints, or you can’t figure out when you’re pushing the right buttons, or one of you feels silly just coming out and saying what it is you’re into. Ideally, though, you’re both trying, and you’re both trying to reach a common ground where everyone has a good time, gets a little sticky, and goes home (or rolls over, or curls up to you) with a smile.

But. BUT! Some guys just aren’t into your opinion. You can nudge, hint, take his hand and move it, or even blurt out “Quit it!” and he doesn’t get the point. Or, more accurately, he doesn’t care about what you’re after. It’s selfish, yeah, but it’s also self-absorbed. If I’m going at it with a gentleman caller, I’m trying to see to it that he enjoys himself. I really am! But I want to be in on the fun, and I have a few requests of my own. I like to think that he’s there because he’s into me in some way, not because I’m just the right size or shape to fit into his ritual. I want to feel a little chemistry. I do not want to feel like an interchangeable character in someone else’s script. Hell, even if I like the script (and I am, shall we say, a fan of a variety of genres) I want to be able to collaborate and improv a little.

This problem can show up when you least expect it. I’ve been with guys and experienced a real connection on the basest levels, giving and taking and get a kick out of each other’s enjoyment, when neither of us had even exchanged names or were likely to see each other ever again. That’s a lot of fun, and one of the reasons why I think even the most casual sex can be very fulfilling if you luck out with the right person and have a good attitude about the whole thing. Conversely, I’ve also dated guys who had no ability whatsoever to adapt to having me there, which is infinitely worse than being ignored by a relative stranger.

So seriously guys: don’t just plow ahead assuming you’re both having fun. Pay a little attention, and then maybe you both will.

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7 Responses to This is Sparky, your nurse

  1. Brandon says:

    I haven’t felt like that personally, but I certainly have found myself thinking that of some that I have been with ( that they are simply my masturbatory tools). It certainly does make a difference when I like a person and want to engage in a little give and take, instead of being totally in control.

  2. Groomzilla says:

    Shortly after my online date threw up in the urinal – or was it shortly before – I had a one-night stand with a guy from college. In a nutshell, he was underendowed and big into poppers. We hooked up, he did poppers, I got off, I fell asleep, and woke up at least one hour later to find him still straddling me, still j@*king off, and still sniffing poppers. I guess that’s the closest I’ve felt to being a masturbatory aide. Dirty, used, but mainly annoyed.

  3. David says:

    I used to have this fuck-buddy who would constantly say “I’m gonna rape your ass” and I just always found it off-putting. He was a reliable resource but I had to drop him. It just creeped me out too much. I suppose I could have asked him not to say that, but I could tell it was a big part of his “script.”

  4. s says:

    Like, all the time… random sex can be such a crap-shoot. So to speak

  5. Tin Man says:

    I’m loving the Sparky sex stories. It’s such a different side from what you show on your own blog!

  6. birdfarm says:

    reminds me of the episode of “sex & the city” where Miranda dates a guy who’s so into porn that he is basically way more into the porn than into her. at first you’re like, “geez, Miranda, so he likes porn, get over it,” but he keeps telling her to move her head so he can see the TV, etc., and finally when she asks him to turn it off, he says, “but I’ve only been dating you a couple of weeks… some of these women [on the video] I’ve known for years.” Yeah. That would be fun.

  7. anapestic says:

    I wonder, Groomzilla. If you finished your business and went to sleep without helping your companion reach climax, maybe you’re not the only one who felt like a masturbatory aid in that transaction.


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