Here is a conversation E.S. and I had while we were in the mountains (before he made me touch moss).
E.S.: So when we have kids, should we adopt from China or Guatemala?
Faustus: You mean in the alternate reality in which I don’t hate and fear children?
E.S.: We won’t get them too little. We’ll just go to the adoption agency and tell them we wanted some hot teen or pre-teen boys.
Faustus: No. Absolutely not.
E.S.: Why not?
Faustus: Because by that time their minds will have been ruined by TV and video games. We’re getting them at birth and starting them immediately on Dostoevsky and Austen.
E.S.: I thought you said we weren’t getting them at all.
Faustus: We’re not. I was just enabling your delusion.
Oh no.. I finished the archives! Now what do I read surreptitiously at work?
This is the loveliest thing I’ve read all day. But if I were you, I’d start the kiddies out on Austen and the Brontes. And perhaps a little Derek Walcott, so they’ll be thoroughly brilliant.
I grew up on the Famous Five, Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew and Alfred Hitchcock’s Three Investigators. And see how well I turned out.
Dostoevsky may be a little too intense. Educate the kiddies on the American political system might be most pressing matter. If you like little girls, adopt from China. Here is a link: http://www.halfthesky.org. Love reading your blog, by the way.
Well, if you go to China, you ain’t getting any boys.
I am a proudly childless godmother/aunt/egg donor and that’s enough for me. Having spent Halloween with my lovely goddaughter and another three-year-old dynamo, I don’t know how people do it fulltime.
Hmph, you may tell E.S. that Dostoyevsky and Playstation 2 are not mutually incompatible. It’d be more interesting if you tried to raise a kid not to use the words “was like” for “said”, but… he might not live through grade school. =\
Throw in some Asterix and Tintin comics as well. The only children worth knowing are the ones who can quote chunks of “Pride and Prejudice” from memory.
Jay (the one in Bombay)
I probably already have children. Spent a year in England a decade ago; my taste for expensive books and whiskey compelled me to sell my sperm at a local andrology clinic. Now the law is changing to allow kids to track down their biological fathers. So in about eight years, I might have a whole brood of Brit brats to deal with.
Jay (the one in Bombay)
that is cute. esp when u said u were ‘just enabling his delusion’. but i’m thinking of adopting too. just havnt decided when and what (race, heritage, age). u could go for the 3-5 yr old, not too much to undo at those ages, i suppose…
Get dogs. They are easier to train.
brilliant conversation. its so brill that i hope you dont mind me swiping it for use in similiar type conversation. hahahhha