October 7, 2002

Tonight I had an altogether new experience, which I am going to call an undate.

Several weeks ago I got a response to my planet out ad from a guy named N.N. who was about to move to New York. His e-mail and profile were charming, but the picture in his profile was so unattractive that I knew I could never love him. So I e-mailed him and told him that, since posting the ad, I had acquired a boyfriend (neither completely true nor completely false), but that I’d still love to meet him if he was interested in making friends in the city.

So he moved here a couple weeks ago and we arranged to meet tonight. I was surprised to see that he was nowhere near as unattractive as his picture made him seem. I mean, he’s no Peter Bacanovic, but I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers. (Of course, the way I have been leading my life lately, it’s difficult to imagine somebody I would kick out of bed for eating crackers, but that’s neither here nor there.)

In any case, things were fine for a while, until he asked about my boyfriend. The problem, of course, was that when I first wrote him, I had two reasonable facsimiles of a boyfriend, and now I have none.

So I lied.

I am a terrible liar.

The more I said, the less sense I made and the less believable I was, and so the more I felt I had to say to try to make more sense and be more believable, and so the less—well, you get the picture. In the end I wove such a Byzantine tissue of lies, truths, half-truths, quarter-truths, and pi-truths that I clearly sounded like a creature from another planet.

So it doesn’t matter if I decide he’s attractive enough for me to love, because he thinks I am an ALIEN FROM OUTER SPACE.

How do I get myself into these situations?

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3 Responses to Tonight I had an altogether

  1. D.R. says:

    So THAT’S who I saw you with last night! :)

  2. Jere says:

    My advice? Contact the guy and lay your cards on the table. Be completely honest (but tactful) with him about the whole situation with the caveat that you are doing so in an attempt to start over because you like him enough to risk the potential embarrassment. If he’s offended, so what? He’ll never call you again, probably the same reaction that you are now facing. If he can accept your apology for the prevarication, you may be able to begin again. Just be open and honest with him from now on, because if he continues to catch you in lies, you’re done. A little honesty can go a long way.

  3. PatCH says:

    Aliens from outer space with sock-knitting capabilities are pretty rare.

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