February 18, 2002

So I belong to this internet personals web site called planet out. It is terrific, except for the fact that their e-mail system was designed by a diabolical fiend and delivers exactly half the e-mails you send on it.

So if you e-mail somebody and he doesn’t respond, you are in a terrible bind. There are three possibilities:

1) he got your e-mail and just isn’t interested in you.
2) planet out didn’t deliver your e-mail.
3) planet out delivered your e-mail but he abandoned planet out long ago and, even though he’s your soul mate, you will never, ever meet him and it’s just too bad.

Of course the clear answer is to e-mail somebody a few times. That way, if the case is (1) above, it doesn’t matter if you send multiple e-mails and he gets annoyed, because he wasn’t interested in you to begin with, and he deserves a little annoyance for being so stupid. If the case is (2) above, then eventually he will get your e-mail and respond and since he is your soul mate you will both be deliriously happy for the rest of your lives. If the case is (3) above, well, you’re just fucked. And not in a good way.

Of course, if he still doesn’t respond, then you start wondering, what if he hasn’t checked his planet out e-mail for months, and finally checks it next week and sees that there are 47 messages from this total NEUROTIC FREAK who seemed kind of charming and funny the first 12 or 13 messages but is clearly not someone he wants in his life?

Not that any of this is going through my head.

But if, by chance, you have a planet out profile titled “hare-lipped, leprous, and flatulent,” you are my soul mate; please e-mail me for details.

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