August 25, 2009

From Sunday’s dinner conversation, based on what turns out to have been slightly inaccurate information (it was actually a coat rack affixed to the wall, which explains everything and renders the whole inquiry moot):

E.S.: Hey, did you hear about the reality show guy who killed his model wife and then hanged himself?
FAUSTUS: I heard he was a person of interest. I didn’t know he’d hanged himself.
E.S.: Yeah, they found him in a motel closet.
FAUSTUS: That’s unobtrusive. So, what, I guess he punched a new hole in his belt? His waist can’t have been as narrow as his neck.
E.S.: No, he didn’t need to punch a hole.
FAUSTUS: What, he used one of the holes that was already there and kicked a stool out from underneath himself?
E.S.: It was a motel closet. I don’t think there was room.
FAUSTUS: Well, what then?
E.S. (exasperated): I didn’t see the crime scene. He must have just left it free and tightened it and waited till he passed out and died.
FAUSTUS: So he didn’t hang himself, he strangled himself.
E.S.: I want to strangle you.
E.S.: In fact, I’m trying to remember a time I didn’t want to strangle you.

(FAUSTUS thinks.)

FAUSTUS: Between your first e-mail to me and our first phone conversation?
E.S.: I’m not so sure about that.
FAUSTUS: Oh, because I pointed out that you’d used impending when you meant incipient?
E.S.: No, this is the first time you’ve shared that information with me.
FAUSTUS: Whoops.
E.S.: You know, I was wrong when I said I wanted to strangle you. I want to decapitate you, dismember you, and stuff you in a suitcase.
FAUSTUS: Hey, you wrote it, not me.

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7 Responses to From Sunday’s dinner conversation, based on what turns out to

  1. Jeffrey C says:

    “I want to decapitate you, dismember you, and stuff you in a suitcase.”

    Seems like you could create a nice melody for such a lovely lyric.

  2. TED says:

    Surely there have been any number of times when he wanted to do something messier and more painful than strangulation to you.

    Besides, decapitation, dismemberment and suitcase imprisonment is not very imaginative. Surely it would be better to tape your mouth shut and stuff you in the suitcase first. Then — while the books-on-tape version of Atlas Shrugged of Where’s the Rest of Me? plays into one of your ears — he could parade a series of your friends through the apartment and let them laugh at your wardrobe while he disparages your cooking.

    Not that I ever spend any time fantasizing about ways of doing anyone in, mind you.

  3. OK42DY says:

    Ah, twu wuv. It is always a murderous thing.

  4. Birdie says:

    Good God, how has he restrained himself thus far?

  5. Sharon says:


    The more you ruv someone the more you want to kill him
    The more you ruv someone the more you wishing him dead
    Sometimes you only see fat and ugly
    And wanting baseball bat for hitting him on his head

    Faustus, clearly this is not in direct response to you, but OK’s comment reminded me of this awesome lyric.

  6. initials says:

    … And then you had sex?

  7. Jeffrey says:

    That’s gratitude for you. You try to help….


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