March 14, 2009

Last night I dreamed that E.S. and I were staying in an apartment not our own; the only appointment I can remember is a lame popcorn popper. Tamara Tunie from Law & Order: SVU walked in, and E.S. revealed to us that he had just jacked off.

Then we decided to go to the movies to see the new release of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video. We took separate cars (if I hadn’t already known it was a dream this would have tipped me off, since I am a terrible, terrible driver; when I was driving, back in high school, I caused nine or ten car accidents, though I feel I am owed a commendation because I swear that old lady and her granddaughter were up to something shady).

E.S. turned off the highway into the parking lot of a diner because he needed to look at a map. When I got out—somehow our two cars had magically become one by this point—I saw that the left front tire had melted. I went into the diner and called AAA, but I was connected to somebody in Wisconsin who couldn’t help me because we were in Virginia.

Finally a car repair service called ZZZ showed up unasked; I worried that they were con men but, since we had no other options if we wanted to see “Thriller,” we paid them to replace the tire. While they were working, Karl Rove tried to enter the diner, but with lightning speed I pushed the inner door open really wide and trapped him in between the door and the wall of the vestibule, whereupon I performed a one-act musical at him.

At that point his wife showed up, and unfortunately she was so nice that I let him go, at which point E.S. and I left for the movie theater. In two different lines for concessions I stood in front of two different men, the erection of each of whom I could feel against my ass through our pants. Neither of them was as attractive as E.S., though, so after buying a chocolate-chip-blueberry cookie I went with him into the theater.

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14 Responses to Last night I dreamed that E

  1. birdfarm says:

    that is beyond awesomely awesome. i’m in awe of its awesomeness. Karl Rove? Michael Jackson? Erections, jacking off, melted tires, and diners? it’s like, the perfect dream. i don’t know what your shrink would make of it but an imaginative one would have a field day.

    thanks for sharing.

  2. anne marie in philly says:

    WHAT are you smokin’, dude?

    I have dreams like this whenever I eat italian food…but not as graphic and not with famous people popping in and out…must be the garlic…


  3. Sailor Mike says:

    This was a big step to the left!!!!

  4. FortWorthGuy says:

    So….do not keep us in suspense. How was “Thriller”? Or will the video review be Part 2?

  5. Jess says:

    A chocolate-chip-blueberry cookie? The dream made perfect sense until that!

  6. Andrew says:

    You had a Law and Order: SVU related dream and it was Tamara Tunie who featured and not Chris Meloni? I’m disappointed and frankly suspicious that we’re not getting the full story.

  7. birdfarm: You should have seen what he did with my dream about Darth Vader, Alexandre Dumas, and marshmallow peeps.

    anne marie: Eat more M&Ms. That ought to do it.

    Sailor Mike: Will you join me in a jump to the right?

    FortWorthGuy: Alas, I don’t remember. I can only assume this means it was disappointing.

    Jess: What are you talking about? I’m totally going to spend the day experimenting with the recipe!

    Andrew: Poor Chris is just tuckered out from everything he’s been doing in my dreams. I thought it would only be fair to give him a rest.

  8. TED says:

    It should work, but you would be wise to use dried blueberries.

  9. Jeffrey says:

    Looks like you’ve worked out the plotline for your next book.

  10. TED: What would happen if I used fresh? (A serious question rather than a flippant one.)

    Jeffrey: I don’t think there’s enough sex or politics in it.

  11. TED says:

    I think that fresh blueberries would likely release too much liquid into the cookies, and that might hurt the texture. I don’t think the dry ones would be too dry, if only because they’re usually very small, but of course, you could let them macerate in a little bit of rum or something similar for a while to plump them up a little bit. That’s almost never a bad idea.

  12. Esther says:

    I’m wondering where the dream might have gone had either of the two men in line at the concession stands been more attractive than E.S.

  13. TED: Thank you. I’ll let you know how it goes.

    Esther: That shouldn’t be too difficult to figure out. The only question would be whether to invite E.S. to join or not.

  14. birdfarm says:

    i find that anything with blueberries cooked into it – fresh or dried – is disappointing.

    the only thing to be done with blueberries is to just eat the damn things fresh – they’re one of life’s greatest pleasures, even if said pleasure does tend to be counter-balanced for me (like all berry consumption) with high anxiety brought on by my terror of accidentally eating a moldy one.


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