September 8, 2008

I am now officially an old person.

I have written before on this blog about my advancing senescence and the debilities that it perforce entails. But I have seen the last nail in the coffin, so to speak.

Yesterday, E.S. and I, having exhausted everything on the TiVo except his goddamned home and garden shows the cornucopia of possibilities offered by our TiVo, turned to real-time programming for our evening’s entertainment. (Well, for the first part of our evening’s entertainment, anyway.) We settled on a recent teen movie called John Tucker Must Die, only mostly because it starred your favorite bare-chested gardener on season one of Desperate Housewives and mine, Jesse Metcalfe.


About halfway through the movie, a young person who, it seems, is actually named Brittany Snow came onscreen wearing nothing but a red lace bra and red lace panties.

brittany snow cropped.png

And upon being confronted with this picture I turned to E.S. and said, my voice filled with righteous indignation, “I think that’s inappropriate. She’s too young to be dressed like that.”

I clapped my hand over my mouth in horror but it was too late; I had let the fateful words escape my tongue and they could never be recaptured.

My youth, 1973-2008. Requiescat in pace.

I want, like the Cumaean Sybil, to die.

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20 Responses to I am now officially an old person

  1. Charleston Dave says:

    Faustus, beware of the impending step wherein one looks in the mirror and upon contemplation realizes, “You’re too old to be dressed like that.”

  2. Charleston Dave: Oh, God.

  3. Canada says:

    Or when you think you’re being cruised at Sunday brunch only to find (while walking down a city street later,) that you left your belt unbuckled after visiting the restaurant washroom.

    My earliest realization was while working a library desk and attempting to stop a kid I’d just given directions from making a wrong turn. I heard myself calling across the lobby the words “young man”, my co-worker and I slowly turning toward each other stricken and mutually mouthing the words: “young man”, a horrifed question mark suspended in the air between us.

  4. TED says:

    While I think that it’s adorable that you can convince yourself that your youth has only just now died, I can’t help regretting that you didn’t wait a little longer to tell us about this. Clearly, you have advanced sufficiently into senility to have forgotten the last fourteen thousand incidents that would mark your youth as long deceased, and if you hadn’t put this one in writing, you’d surely have forgotten it, too. E.S. must be a saint (or possessed of a particularly and admirably sadistic sense of humor) not to remind you of earlier bits of evidence, so I suggest that you hold on to him. Provided you can still remember your address, of course.

  5. Birdie says:

    I am married to an Old Man. Not so many years ago, when he was 42, he actually said these words: “Young people these days have no respect.” When I regained my voice, I looked at him with my eyes bugging out and said, “How old ARE you?!” I have been saying that more and more as time passes. *Sigh.*

  6. initials says:

    Dearest Doktor,

    As an avid fan, I hate to relate the following… If you have time to watch TiVo at all, and aren’t too busy drinking off all your earnings to save money (when you somehow have time not to work), you’ve either slipped into SECOND childhood or are much more successful than I. If, on the other hand, you’re just reacting to the kind of drivel the current generation of college-going teenie-boppers finds “entertaining,” there’s still a modicum of hope. You’re in touch enough to realize exactly how out of touch and dangerously uncultured such unmoored scion/waifs are. Reflect on the fact that curmudgeonliness is half not being able to see oneself in the young anymore, and half disgust at young peoples’ utter lack of taste, and you can feel better on either count. Hope this helps!

  7. Jen says:

    I feel your pain. A couple of years ago I ran into a B&N to buy the sequel to Eragon for my husband. Being in a hurry, I asked the first clerk I saw, someone who hadn’t even been born back when Asteroid was the coolest game in the world, “Can you tell me where I can find Elder?”

    Without a beat he said, “Lady, you’re an elder. The book you’re looking for is ELDEST.”

    I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  8. Cody says:

    Joel, once again your erudition has sent me to Google, resulting in fascinating side trips to various sites about the Cumaean Sybil. Thanks for setting me on this excursion.

  9. Canada: Oh, God.

    TED: Hmph.

    Birdie: Oh, God.

    initials: Alas, it’s the first, not the second.

    Jen: I assume you had this person fired on the spot.

    Cody: What’s Google?

  10. Jeffrey says:

    My dear Faustus, rejoice, I have good news. You are not old. Yet. There is still (a little) time.

    I visited the optometrist recently. The result:

    toric contacts
    progressive no-line bifocals
    over-the-counter reading glasses

    I mused, half-jokingly to Hubby (who has his own reading glasses) last night that our next holiday will require a separate bag for our various corrective lenses.

    And we are only forty seven.


  11. Esther says:

    A number of years ago, in my 30s with two young boys, I went to my favorite junior clothing department for a particular top that was advertised that week. Unable to find the exact item, I asked for assistance. Looking at the sale flyer in my hand, the sweet young thing helping me said they were all sold out of the purple, but, she suggested brightly, “Perhaps your daughter would like a different color?” I was too speechless to make use of the teachable moment.

  12. Bernd says:

    Faustus, baby, if only you perceive yourself as old, that can be helped by upping the dosages of those meds you take. If others think your old, it’s over. I’m still in shock over being addressed as Sir at the local gym by a college age guy. I wish he’d done the awesome thing and see me to the showers.., but no such luck.

  13. sarah palin says:

    Faustus, you’re even older than you think: [redacted]

    And personally, I find that standing next to really, really old people makes me look young. Plus my nifty-cool specs, paid for by all you silly taxpayers.

  14. Brian says:

    How about when your high school class is preparing to hold its 20-year reunion in 2009,and you realize that this fall’s college freshmen were not even born yet when you received your diploma? Good God.

  15. Kris Bass says:

    That’s outrageous. How dare you say so? And she in fact looks kinda old to me in the picture there.

    I wish I had TiVo.

  16. Matthew says:

    Brittany Snow is 22 years old. How old does she have to be?

    I think there’s a much more pressing issue here. Namely, that she needs to find a set of red lace bra and red lace panties that are actually flattering on her. Because those don’t do the job.

  17. initials says:

    Doktor… You have two books in print, have written musicals that have actually played, and are tight enough to teach step aerobics. Plus, I have the feeling you could, if motivated, cook me under the table (even if you don’t brag about it). Reality check… Successful. Also, given the step-aerobics thing, probably way hotter than me naked, damn asthma/allergies. And, while you are technically “older” than I, you won’t see me writing books and/or musicals any time soon. So hush up unless you intend to start making fun of the young and/or tasteless!!! šŸ˜‰

  18. Jeffrey: Are you 47 each or combined? Because if it’s the latter then the bifocals make me worry.

    Esther: I do hope you had him fired on the spot. THAT would have been a teachable moment.

    Bernd: The obvious remedy is to punish him. I’m sure you’ll think of something.

    Brian: I avoid this situation by recycling every piece of mail I receive from my high school unopened.

    Kris: See, that’s what I mean! I’m a fogey!

    Matthew: Hmm. In the movie she was playing a 15- or 16-year-old. I hope the 22 thing doesn’t make my situation even worse.

    initials: First off, I can say with perfect confidence that you’re wrong about the cooking thing. I’d be happy to get together and check the naked thing, though.

  19. Esther says:

    Ha ha. No, it was a girl (hence the calling her “she”). Sorry I misled you with “sweet young thing” – I actually typed “18-year-old bitch” but it seems to have posted as “sweet young thing”…
    I totally flubbed the teachable moment. It was back when I was still nice. I probably said, “No, thanks; she really wanted the purple.” I think I would use the moment better these days.

  20. campbell says:

    Do you have to put on your reading glasses to watch porn on DVD? If no, then there is still hope. If yes, then you are over every available hill


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