May 19, 2008

Okay, I’m perturbed. Because so far exactly four people have submitted entries for the Gay-Off. Obviously the deadline isn’t for weeks and weeks, but I am choosing to interpret the dearth of declared competitors as an indication that either a) nobody knows about the Gay-Off because nobody clicked on the competition link in the last entry, in which case you should click the link above to learn more, or b) nobody cares about the Gay-Off, in which case I should go stick my head in the oven.

Actually, just in case you have had your hands severed since you started reading this post, I’ll post the Gay-Off information here, so that you needn’t click on a link.

Are you gay enough?

Enter the



and find out!

In the introduction to Swish I explain that my quest to become the gayest person ever did not turn out to be an unqualified success—which means that the position of the Gayest Person Ever is still open. If you’re interested in competing, e-mail me a brief explanation (up to 100 words) of why you should be crowned this year’s Gayest Person Ever. Note, please, that in order to enter you do not have to be gay or even, I suppose, a person. The Gayest Person Ever describes an existential state, irrespective of plumbing and flavor.

The last day to send in entries is Tuesday, June 10. On Friday the 13th, I’ll post the top five entries (as determined by an independent panel of judges) on my website, and from then through the end of Gay Pride (Sunday, June 29) you can vote for your favorite.

At the moment I’m planning prizes as follows: the Grand Prize is an inscribed copy of Swish, an inscribed copy of my first book, Gay Haiku, a Swish T-shirt, a gay haiku written for the winner, and, depending on geographic location, a tin of homemade brownies made with loving care by me. Second prize is an inscribed copy of Gay Haiku, a Swish T-shirt, a gay haiku written for the winner, and a tin of brownies slightly inferior to the tin the Grand Prize winner gets. Third prize is a Swish T-shirt, a gay haiku written for the winner, and a tin of brownies slightly inferior to the tin the Second Prize winner gets. However, the actual prizes may be different from this, like if I eat the brownies or something.

Good luck, and may the Gayest Person Ever win!

P.S.: If you live in Los Angeles, Long Beach, or San Francisco and want to hear me read from Swish or to force somebody else to hear me read from Swish, you can do so this week. Just go here and scroll to the bottom of the page to find out when and where.

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19 Responses to Okay, I’m perturbed

  1. schorsch says:

    Well, I’ve decided to not participate in the Gay-Off because I want to give you a chance to claim the title yourself.
    Because, if you don’t win it would mean that your quest to become the gayest person ever would have failed, and all the work to write that book would have been moot, right?

  2. Chuggle says:

    I wanted to participate in the Gay-Off, but I couldn’t because I didn’t have the book yet… I’m eagerly awaiting an Amazon delivery to me in far-flung Australia. Can’t wait!

  3. Sharon says:

    Honestly? I love the way you write and am a little embarrassed to submit something that will undoubtedly be less funny, less witty and overall dorky. Also, I am terrified of making a grammar or spelling mistake.

  4. nillachino says:

    Faustus: will consider entering the contest if I can come up with something creative. I’m writing to be a bit nit-picky in the grammar file. As a journalist/marketer, it was hounded in me that there is no such thing as “First Annual.” Something can’t be said to happen annually if this is the first time.

    Just thought I’d let you know. ๐Ÿ™‚


  5. John says:

    While your quest to become the gayest person ever may not have been an unqualified success by YOUR reckoning, for most of us you set the fabulosity bar pretty high. I don’t know whether a perfect score is attainable in a less than perfect world, so I am molre than happy to leave the crown with you, you spectacular homo. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Jeffrey says:

    Wonder if the word on the street isn’t so hot for your brownies? That might explain things, ya know. Sacrilege

  7. Megan says:

    I’m waiting until I think of the right reason. It

  8. Birdie says:

    Gentlemen, are you going to let a straight woman win this? ‘Cause I’m in. I want a copy of Swish.

  9. Alan says:

    I would enter, but I’ve been too busy trying to find the definitions of “tatterdemalion” and “nonpareil”.

  10. Kris says:


    It’s been a while since I visited your blog! WOW! I want a copy of Swish. Now that I have my boyfriend over there in the Big Apple, I might get a copy of it in our next mutual visit. Great going! Great reviews everywhere! I’m simply proud of you. I myself have plans to write books. You inspired me to start blogging. Let’s hope that the precedent is forwarded!

  11. May says:

    I was wondering if I may nominate another person who greatly exceeds my personal gay quotient? I eagerly await your reply.

  12. Steve says:

    Lifting thoughts from Sharon and John and Alan, while I’m a most competitive person normally, I fear I would never measure up to your fabulous standards… mostly because even my gay and lesbian friends say I come across as hopelessly straight (this after meeting one boyfriend and several dates, all male {grin})… and because my linguistic skills these days are sadly tilted towards writing scientific abstracts rather than florid prose… {smile} I do wish the competitors the best, however ! (*swirls hand in properly fashionable salute*)

  13. birdfarm says:

    yes, i have to agree with those who commented above to the general effect that, even if you are not the gayest person possible–even if you are not some kind of Platonic ideal gay person–you may well be the gayest person ever, and none of us can imagine even daring to try to out-gay you.

    i’m also slightly unclear on whether this is a contest to adhere most closely to the Platonic ideal of Gayness associated with gay males, i.e., that which is described in your book, or whether one could be aiming for the female equivalent, i.e., being the dykiest person ever. it seems like it would be hard to measure them against each other. i might enter a dykiest person ever contest… or queerest……

    in short (ha!), perhaps some clarification of the rules and standards by which the winner will be chosen might be in order….

  14. Jeffrey says:

    I briefly considered entering the contest, but after having the congregation at The Church of Groove, my little home away from home, repeatedly threaten to cut the corners off of my PinkCard, I fear that I just do not have the necessary skills.

  15. Pearl says:

    Presumably she’s not gay, but I’d like to enter Cindy McCain, because I think she could really use some brownies.

  16. birdfarm says:

    waitaminute, if Cindy McCain is in, so am i, because i know i can be gayer than Cindy McCain, and she has more money than i do so i deserve the brownies more!!!!

  17. Sharon says:

    Here’s a video of you on TV:

  18. christian says:

    oh. my. god. your voice is so not gay enuff!! you lose gay points for not being higher pitched and more twinky looking in the interview!

  19. David says:

    Please don’t stick your head in the oven. I just don’t have any idea what I’d say, not that I think I’m even remotely the gayest person ever.


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