Okay, I’m perturbed. Because so far exactly four people have submitted entries for the Gay-Off. Obviously the deadline isn’t for weeks and weeks, but I am choosing to interpret the dearth of declared competitors as an indication that either a) nobody knows about the Gay-Off because nobody clicked on the competition link in the last entry, in which case you should click the link above to learn more, or b) nobody cares about the Gay-Off, in which case I should go stick my head in the oven.

Actually, just in case you have had your hands severed since you started reading this post, I’ll post the Gay-Off information here, so that you needn’t click on a link.

SWISH: MY QUEST TO BECOME THE GAYEST PERSON EVER

In the introduction to Swish I explain that my quest to become the gayest person ever did not turn out to be an unqualified success—which means that the position of the Gayest Person Ever is still open. If you’re interested in competing, e-mail me a brief explanation (up to 100 words) of why you should be crowned this year’s Gayest Person Ever. Note, please, that in order to enter you do not have to be gay or even, I suppose, a person. The Gayest Person Ever describes an existential state, irrespective of plumbing and flavor.

The last day to send in entries is Tuesday, June 10. On Friday the 13th, I’ll post the top five entries (as determined by an independent panel of judges) on my website, and from then through the end of Gay Pride (Sunday, June 29) you can vote for your favorite.

At the moment I’m planning prizes as follows: the Grand Prize is an inscribed copy of Swish, an inscribed copy of my first book, Gay Haiku, a Swish T-shirt, a gay haiku written for the winner, and, depending on geographic location, a tin of homemade brownies made with loving care by me. Second prize is an inscribed copy of Gay Haiku, a Swish T-shirt, a gay haiku written for the winner, and a tin of brownies slightly inferior to the tin the Grand Prize winner gets. Third prize is a Swish T-shirt, a gay haiku written for the winner, and a tin of brownies slightly inferior to the tin the Second Prize winner gets. However, the actual prizes may be different from this, like if I eat the brownies or something.

Good luck, and may the Gayest Person Ever win!

P.S.: If you live in Los Angeles, Long Beach, or San Francisco and want to hear me read from Swish or to force somebody else to hear me read from Swish, you can do so this week. Just go here and scroll to the bottom of the page to find out when and where.