One day when I was six, my maternal grandmother (whom we knew, she having lived half of her life in Paris, as Mémé) came over to our house for a visit. I was very excited to see her, because I had just discovered an ability I hadn’t been aware of possessing. At some point during the evening, then, when my mother was mixing the after-dinner drinks, my grandmother and I had the following conversation:
FAUSTUS: Mémé! Mémé! Guess what I can do!
MEME: What, darling?
FAUSTUS: It’s really neat!
MEME: What is it?
FAUSTUS: I can tell when somebody is a bad guy or not!
MEME: Really? That’s terrific.
FAUSTUS: Yeah, I was watching TV today and the Calgonite commercial with the Spotmaker came on and my penis got hard. And I realized that whenever I see a bad guy the same thing happens! My penis gets hard! So I’ll always be able to tell when somebody is a bad guy!
FAUSTUS: Isn’t that cool?
MEME (to FAUSTUS’S MOTHER): Never mind the martini, get me a scotch on the rocks.
I have long wished to make a blog post about this event, but I could never remember the name of the villain. Now, however, thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I have been able to do far better than that: I have found the entire commercial.
We can let my reaction to seeing the Spotmaker again after all these years pass without comment.