November 28, 2007

One day when I was six, my maternal grandmother (whom we knew, she having lived half of her life in Paris, as Mémé) came over to our house for a visit. I was very excited to see her, because I had just discovered an ability I hadn’t been aware of possessing. At some point during the evening, then, when my mother was mixing the after-dinner drinks, my grandmother and I had the following conversation:

FAUSTUS: Mémé! Mémé! Guess what I can do!
MEME: What, darling?
FAUSTUS: It’s really neat!
MEME: What is it?
FAUSTUS: I can tell when somebody is a bad guy or not!
MEME: Really? That’s terrific.
FAUSTUS: Yeah, I was watching TV today and the Calgonite commercial with the Spotmaker came on and my penis got hard. And I realized that whenever I see a bad guy the same thing happens! My penis gets hard! So I’ll always be able to tell when somebody is a bad guy!
FAUSTUS: Isn’t that cool?
MEME (to FAUSTUS’S MOTHER): Never mind the martini, get me a scotch on the rocks.
I have long wished to make a blog post about this event, but I could never remember the name of the villain. Now, however, thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I have been able to do far better than that: I have found the entire commercial.

We can let my reaction to seeing the Spotmaker again after all these years pass without comment.

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17 Responses to One day when I was six, my maternal grandmother

  1. Jess says:

    Why do I think someone could base an entire doctoral dissertation on the meaning of this?

  2. David says:

    Wow, my penis is hard now, too.

  3. don says:

    My friends tell me that I always get a boner for the bad guys too. They might be referring to some other behavioral issue though..

  4. Chedwick says:

    It WAS exciting to see The Spotmaker again after all these years.

    I know you must have plenty of major writing awards, but your blog has been chosen for yet another one. I have posted the info on my blog and thanks again for all the highly readable essays.


  5. Andy says:

    See, now, my cock very nearly shriveled up and fell off there. I don’t like nelly villains. I want them to look like Viktor Krum. Mmmm.

  6. TED says:

    Poor Spotmaker. It’s not easy being green.

  7. Jess: I’m holding out for a multi-volume series.

    David: I knew there was a reason I liked you.

    don: Your friends don’t know what they’re missing.

    Ched: Thank you!

    Andy: Yuck.

    TED: Yes, but I can offer him certain palliatives that will at least ease his burden a little bit.

  8. Arun says:

    you are old!!! very old!..

  9. Logan says:

    Is that like when a guy in sweatpants comes swing-swinging past me and my sphincter abruptly contracts?

  10. Chris says:

    that is so VERY VERY gay. so so so so very gay. at least u can write the sequal to swish now.

  11. tim says:

    I truly am floored by your utter genius. Nobody compares.

  12. David says:

    So E.S. is a bad guy, I take it?

  13. Arun: Bitch.

    Logan: Yes.

    Chris: Oh, God, a sequel–like I need any more pressure in my life.

    tim: *blush*

    David: Most of the time, except when he’s annoying or wants me to walk the dog or do the recycling, at which point he becomes very heroic and unattractive.

  14. Initials says:

    Your trip home for Thanksgiving seems to have jogged loose quite a few memes, if not aunts. All of these are both poignant and mildly acidic, like an expertly tableside-tossed salad… What kind of salad tossing is poigniant, you may ask? The kind that forms a sweet memory. What I’m trying to say is, I’m looking forward to getting your book soon. 😉

  15. Michael says:

    This is the best things I’ve read in months.

    You might take that as faint praise since you don’t know me, I suppose.

  16. Chedwick says:

    Meme: Make that a double scotch.

  17. Willym says:

    So you are turned on by thin, pointy-nosed men in mottled green tights? Sounds like Ricky Smith as a frog in our 4th grade play – damn now I’ve got a boner.


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