August 29, 2007

Here, verbatim, is the voice mail message I just got from my very funny heterosexual brother:

“Hey, Faustus, it’s your brother. I’m calling about something specific. What is with you gay people and these, like, weirdo signals and shit? Have you been following the Larry Craig thing? It’s like, crazy, the tapping the foot, and the–and the bag this way, and it’s crazy stuff. I mean, I don’t know, man, I just feel like, how many times have I accidentally been in the gay bathroom and I gave the signal by accident? It’s–it’s a weird thing. Anyway, I just wanted to discuss it with you briefly. All right, bye.”

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18 Responses to Here, verbatim, is the voice mail message I just got from my

  1. Campbell says:

    Can you ask him a question in return, on my behalf?

    Why is it, in straight pornography that the women all wear incredibly high heels (usually clear perspex) and keep them on during sex. Many and many’s the time when I have been in terror for the eyesight of their partners.

  2. Molly says:

    Ask him if he’s ever tucked a handkerchief in his back pocket, too. Goodness knows the potential signals he’s been sending!

  3. eric says:

    Oh my god. I guess I should check in with my brother and make sure he’s ok and not unintentionally giving gay signals.
    I hope you let your brother know that, while many signals are gay, it’s imperative that you give multiple signals to initiate a transaction, so he’s probably ok.

  4. David says:

    I think if he gave the “gay signal” by accident, he’d find out he did pretty quickly.

  5. Travis says:

    I’m definitely gay, and was quite disappointed that I had NO idea what all these signals were when I heard about them. Who knew I could have been getting more action?

  6. Jess says:

    I’m with Travis. I’m gay, and no one filled me in on these signals. Is there a code book I can buy? Is that something Borders would have, or do I have to go to a bookstore in the Village?

  7. MzOuiser says:

    God, I can just hear that message in my head. Hilarious.

    For a long time I thought the “gay signals” were a suburban legend meant to scare homophobes.

    Oh, Travis – there is a website that deciphers the code regarding color and positioning of handkerchiefs.

  8. Logan says:

    There’s a gay bathroom?

  9. BOB says:

    So … what does it mean when a guy comes out of the stall with toilet paper trailing from his shoe?

  10. John says:

    Wasn’t it Freud who said, “There are no accidental gay signals”? No? And nothing about this “gay bathroom” thing, either? Jeez, what a dilletante.

  11. JamesR says:

    Gay signals, gay bathrooms, codebooks?!? Good lord, who needs the headache! Try a bath-house instead, It removes all the guesswork…

  12. Lisa says:

    Oh my…. you have a straight brother?!? The power of your mastery of all that is gay makes me see any and all family awash in your shiny gayness…gayitude…. Wow. need less caffeine. Anyhow – what I want to know is why do all of the psycho closet cases have that “lucky to get any from anyone” hair and sweaty brow combo?? Does the poor personal hygiene come before they get out, or just afdter- in glare of their own hypocritcal spotlight?

  13. will says:

    Tap dancers must get all kinds of action.

  14. Paul says:

    So what did you say in return?

  15. TED says:

    How fortunate you are to have this portal into the breeder world! You must nurture this connection by satisfying his curiosity. Then ask him to explain belching.

  16. Rick says:

    I never heard of foot tapping as a signal. Must be just those closeted senators.

  17. Andy says:

    The foot-tapping by itself is no big deal, although I can’t imagine who innocently taps their foot on the john in a public restroom; what would be the purpose? But yes, I’ve actually observed this being used as a “signal.” However, it is also usually accompanied by less subtle gestures, i.e., reaching under the partition in the stall or trying to play footsy. Leering between the cracks of the stall is a pretty unsubtle hint.

    Incidentally, when I conveniently found myself alone in the stall at my temp job yesterday, I decided to determine if, by adopting a “wide stance,” my foot could possibly have touched the foot of a person sitting in the neighboring stall. Basically, only if your pants are on (down around your ankles, no chance), and even then one must adopt something akin to battement tendu, something an innocent heterosexual (or self-respecting gay man) is unlikely to accidentally attempt in a public restroom.

  18. FrankLee says:

    This might be the best post I’ve seen on any blog about this. Loved. It. Seriously — what did you tell your brother?


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