February 14, 2007

Okay, I need some help here.

There is a guy who has started coming to the body-sculpting class I teach on Monday afternoons who is my soul mate. I’ve never actually spoken to him, but it’s clear to me that we are destined to be together (sorry, E.S.). All I need to do is let him know that the yearning he undoubtedly feels for me is reciprocated, and he will sweep me up in his arms and carry me away to eternal bliss.

The problem is that, since it’s a body-sculpting class, I am limited as far as appropriate language to sentences like “During this exercise, don’t let your hands fall below shoulder level” and “Check yourself in the mirror to make sure your back is flat” and “Make sure you’re supporting yourself above the knee rather than on it.”

So how do I tell him I love him speaking only in terms of his musculoskeletal system?

Remember that this will be in a large room filled with twenty other people, mostly women, doing the same exercises.

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20 Responses to Okay, I need some help here

  1. eric says:

    I think a, “see me after class” comment is in order, whereupon you can have a clandestine and very 80s music montage moment of mad, passionate, reflected-in-the-mirror man love.

  2. anapestic says:

    Clearly he already knows that you reciprocate his devotion. It is also evident, from what you’ve said here, that he understands that the two of you are destined to be soulmates who never converse or touch each other. And, really, neither words nor sex can begin to address a passion as great as that which exists between the two of you. No: only body sculpting can do that.

  3. Joe says:

    Ask him to stay after class! Tell him that you think he is a promising student and that you would like to give him some advanced training tips. Then, after everyone else has filed out of the studio, you can lay out all the “soul mate” stuff.

  4. chris says:

    i will have to come to said body sculpting class in order to give a good suggestion.

  5. Michael says:

    I want to take a class with you! But do I have to wear spandex? ’cause I think that’d be tragic. =

    P.S. I have no idea what ‘body sculpting’ is or how one might encode messages in such a set of exercises.

  6. David says:

    I imagine someone who has experience as an aerobics instructor, cheerleader and stripper can use his vast vocabulary of body language to do the talking for him.

  7. Don says:

    Tell the class that to truly sculpt the body, one needs more than a weekly class. For all interested, you will be teaching a separate Uruk Hai inspired cheerleading seminar on total body conditioning.

    Tell them this in haiku.

    If he’s really your soulmate, he’ll sign up.

  8. tim says:

    Words have nothing on “actions”. Touch him to correct his form as you teach. Trust me. It works. 🙂

  9. John says:

    Hmmmmmm. Given the fact that you posted this on Valentine’s Day, one suspects someone’s boyfriend recklessly erred on the side of “sentimental gesture” as opposed to “nice things” in selecting his holiday gift… .

  10. Peter says:

    I agree with Tim and Eric. Use a combination of both.

    True love is rare. I’ve lost it. I hope you find it.

  11. timothy says:

    If there’s one thing I learned as a teenager in the 80’s it’s this: if you vent your frustrations by dancing alone in a studio with mirrors on the walls, the object of your affection will be standing in the doorway by the end of the song.

  12. Will says:

    You said part of the solution yourself–your comments have to be appropriate IN THE CLASS.

    Please sit down and calculate the number of hours in the week versus the number he spends in your class. Then calculate the square footage of the room in which your class is taught versus the square footage of every other space in Manhattan and, Voila! The possibilities are ENDLESS.

  13. Aidan says:

    I think you should be ashamed of yourself, you go-go dancing floozie. Think of the countless red-headed men who cry themselves to sleep each night, hoping that someday they will be wisked off to Crown Heights by a handsome gay Jewish Psychiatrist with a fetish for ginger.


  14. Smurch says:

    I think “go-go dancing floozie” may be the most beautiful 4-word phrase in the English language.

  15. henry says:

    How about if you knock him out cold with one of the many blunt instruments you presumably employ during your class. That way you have ample opportunity to share your feelings in the first aid station at the gym, or in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Just make sure the gym has sufficient liability insurance.

  16. Todd says:

    I say you should post a mundane class bulletin and then employ your knowledge of hieroglyphics in a postscript stating your recognition of him as your soulmate, and then proposition him with the possibility of a tryst. Then again, you could just make lewd eye contact. Any two self respecting gay men can have an entire conversation comprising solely of furtive glances and stares; given of course that the subject of said conversation is of a promiscuous and lascivious nature.

  17. Eve says:

    Hmm. “See me after class” should work, but I’d hold off on the soul-mate confession until you get to know each other a bit. Or just chat him whenever you have an opportunity. Or whisper something only he can hear as you walk by, correcting his position ever so gently.

  18. goblinbox says:

    E.S. has a ginger fetish?!

  19. lee says:

    I saw some underwear with “Ya’ Know, This Thing Doesn’t F*** Itself” printed on the back. Is that too direct?

  20. Marc says:

    Attention, attention, attention. The more attention you can pay to him, the easier it will be for him to pick up whatever vibe is there.


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