December 03, 2006
Back when I was an enthusiastic member of men4sexnow.com--oh, those halcyon days!--I received emails from any number of very attractive men who volunteered to have their way with me. Human frailty being what it is, many of these offers never gave way to physical encounters. More than enough of them did, however, that I spent very little energy dwelling on missed connections.
There were a few cases, however, in which the photograph that accompanied the initial offer depicted a fellow of such breathtaking beauty that even now a small part of me regrets what might have been, even if the time for which it might have been is less than a half hour. The most striking of these photographs, boat.jpg, displayed a young man, apparently Latino, standing in some sort of festive gathering area, his hands grasping the lattice of the low ceiling above him, a wide enough gap on his left side between the hem of his shirt and the waist of his pants to reveal a small but tantalizing expanse of smooth, muscled skin. The viewer had but a moment to consider this feature, however, before being practically blinded by the stunning face above it. He was smiling a smile of utter sweetness that yet managed to convey a sense of depravity the depths of which one usually doesn't even dream of encountering. I am not so naive as to pine for this gentleman as the One That Got Away, but I have spent an occasional moment or three since then wishing that he and I might have enjoyed the pleasure of each other's company for an afternoon, or at least for a lunch break.
Remember this, please, as I change topics slightly to reveal that last week, my computer informed me that its memory banks were almost full and that I ought to divest myself of unnecessary files so as to avoid risking the integrity of the rest of my data. A cursory exploration revealed that the largest files were all video clips of the sort that I find extremely useful from time to time, especially when E.S. is on call at the hospital. Unwilling to delete these, I went in search of other potential jetsam.
And in my quest, I came across the photo I have described above, which I hadn't seen for years. I sat back in my chair as the file opened and prepared to spend a few moments luxuriating in reminiscence of the best of a time long gone. The man whose memory had given me so many pleasant moments appeared on my screen.
And he was totally homely.
He had mediocre teeth, and the photographer had caught his face at a good angle but two seconds of further examination revealed a visage no better than average, and possibly worse.
I cannot communicate the sense of betrayal that flooded my body and my spirit. Boat.jpg had betrayed me by not living up to my memory of him; my memory had betrayed me by playing me false--or, worse, my aesthetic sense had betrayed me by judging him attractive in the first place--or, worse yet, my critical faculties had betrayed me by changing their standards as I stumbled towards the grave. I had betrayed myself by indulging in a fantasy based on a falsehood, or by making false a fantasy based in truth. I was also quite sure that E.S. had betrayed me too, though I couldn't figure out exactly how.
So I consigned boat.jpg, along with a great many other files, to my computer's trash can, which I emptied shortly thereafter.
But now I am worried that, when I did so, I also emptied my dreams, and that all I have to look forward to is a life full of memories that will haunt me mercilessly until they crash in disappointment. At some point in the not-too-distant future my computer may tell me that I have to repeat the exercise, and I can only imagine what carefully-tended illusions I will shatter then.
Luckily, at least for now Fuckfest 4: Adam, Alexander, Colby, Foster, & Wade.mpg is exactly as I recall it to be.
Posted by Faustus, MD at 03:50 AM
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Comments
1) Brian said (on 12/ 3/06 at 10:39 PM):
Thank you Sean Cody, our Lord and Savior.
2) Mike B. ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.joelderfner.com/blog/nav-commenters.gif)
said (on 12/ 4/06 at 12:09 AM):
OK, Adam is clearly not into it. Ruined an otherwise perfect video.
3) campbell said (on 12/ 4/06 at 07:01 AM):
I've said it before and I'll say it again Faustus,you worry too much.
4) Jeffrey said (on 12/ 4/06 at 01:59 PM):
Oh honey, as long as they keep making porn, there will be new dreams for you to dream....
5) anapestic said (on 12/ 4/06 at 03:16 PM):
It seems to me that the cost of a memory stick would be a small price to pay to avoid disillusionment.
6) Andy said (on 12/ 4/06 at 03:53 PM):
Yeah, but what if you had agreed to meet him and then your response to him in person was similar to (or worse than) your response seeing this photo again after all this time? Maybe you saved yourself some trauma.
7) Logan said (on 12/ 4/06 at 05:15 PM):
Disk defrag. External hard drives. Online file hosting.
8) John said (on 12/ 4/06 at 08:59 PM):
I am appalled -- yes, appalled! -- that you are giving so little thought to future biographers planning multivolume studies of the brilliant, beautiful yet tortured genius known as Faustus. This archival material could be invaluable to them. Of course, I'll have a better notion of that once you forward Fuckfest 4: Adam, Alexander, Colby, Foster, & Wade.mpg. Just watching out for posterity, you know!
9) eric said (on 12/ 5/06 at 02:50 PM):
I believe it is patently impossible that something called boat.jpg would EVER surpass the joy that can be had by anything with a name resembling fuckfest.
10) roy said (on 12/ 6/06 at 09:10 AM):
You mean people save those pics one sends around? Pervs. Is there a way to make them self-destruct?
11) Cheryl said (on 12/ 6/06 at 12:21 PM):
You should be relieved to know that you did not actually delete this file, just the digital pathway between the file name boat.jpg and the digital 0's and 1's that represent your image. Your hopes and dreams live on in your computer's hardrive. There goes your hopes for freeing up memory.
12) Lauren said (on 12/ 6/06 at 02:28 PM):
I can't believe that I'm the only one who thinks the photo decayed over time as an outward manifestation of his inward spirtual decay.
I need to stop rereading League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and go do something useful.
13) David said (on 12/ 6/06 at 03:09 PM):
God I love that video. Foster is a star.
14) Joshua Meadows said (on 12/ 6/06 at 03:13 PM):
I love you so much.
15) Daniel said (on 12/10/06 at 10:57 PM):
It's good to know that there is an unchanging gld standard to the realm of lascivious fantasy.
All hail, Sean Cody!
And that poor boat.jpg fellow; he probably forsook getting his dental work so his poor mama from Nicaragua could get her operation. When I think of him bravely smiling as he tries to sell his body to make a few more dollars for mother, I get all moist inside.
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