I understand how people could think the reason Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have allowed no one to see their daughter Suri is that she is a fiction dreamed up by a closeted gay action-movie hero and his desperate and talentless beard, but I don’t believe it.
Because I think Suri exists, and the Scientologists have her.
It’s just like Rosemary’s Baby, actually. Picture it: There’s a hidden apartment next door and Suri is lying there in a black bassinet. Katie comes in and says, “What have you done to her? What have you done to her eyes?” And then John Travolta is like, “She has her father’s eyes.” And Katie’s like, “Oh, God! Oh, God!” And then Priscilla Presley snaps, “Oh, shut up with your ‘oh, Gods’ or we’ll kill you, milk or no milk,” and then Kirstie Alley says, “You shut up. Katie’s her mother. Show some respect.”
Come on, you know I’m right.