July 21, 2006

I understand how people could think the reason Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have allowed no one to see their daughter Suri is that she is a fiction dreamed up by a closeted gay action-movie hero and his desperate and talentless beard, but I don’t believe it.

Because I think Suri exists, and the Scientologists have her.

It’s just like Rosemary’s Baby, actually. Picture it: There’s a hidden apartment next door and Suri is lying there in a black bassinet. Katie comes in and says, “What have you done to her? What have you done to her eyes?” And then John Travolta is like, “She has her father’s eyes.” And Katie’s like, “Oh, God! Oh, God!” And then Priscilla Presley snaps, “Oh, shut up with your ‘oh, Gods’ or we’ll kill you, milk or no milk,” and then Kirstie Alley says, “You shut up. Katie’s her mother. Show some respect.”

Come on, you know I’m right.

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9 Responses to I understand how people could think the reason Tom Cruise

  1. bob says:

    And Priscilla says, “For L. Ron’s sake, Kirstie … quit talking with your mouth full.”

  2. anapestic says:

    Did you just put John Travolta in the place of Ruth Gordon? I may not ever be able to forgive you.

  3. Actually, I put John Travolta in the place of Sidney Blackmer, which is more or less an unnoticeable substitution.

  4. Jaclyn says:

    I think the poor thing is horribly deformed, and they’re embarrassed of her.

    Of course, making your grand entrance at the same time as the Jolie-Pitt baby and Gwen Stefani’s L.A.M.B. would be a lot of pressure if you have an extra leg (antennae?) coming out of your forehead….

    Seriously. I think she’s deformed.

  5. Uncle Zoloft says:

    ~ she’s a lesbian ~

  6. Ruby says:

    Even with his adopted kids, Tom never paraded them for the cameras. Maybe she is deformed, maybe not…But c’mon, so what if we don’t see her. What good will it do if we did?

    But if Tom Cruise really is gay, just like how George Michael turned out to be gay…THAT would be cool.

    Gay men are always cooler than straight guys.

  7. David says:

    Honestly, I don’t care.

  8. Aroob says:

    Tom is sexy and Katie is cute.

    I dont think their baby is ugly. Maybe has a huge nose though, lol.

  9. PeeWee says:

    They keep saying Suri is pretty. Maybe she is beautiful, and born with half a brain.

    That, or Suri is jumping on Oprah’s couch, and won’t stand still long enough for a picture.

    Maybe Katie ate her. Did you see that Linda Ronstadt face after the birth?

    Okay, I will stop now.


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