July 9, 2006

I have made a dreadful, dreadful mistake. I am going to have to break up with E.S., put the house on the market, and throw myself back into the world of anonymous group sex dating with an unparalleled frenzy in hopes of finding a boyfriend who is not an insane crazy person.

E.S. and I were talking about what we want to do with the kitchen, and I pointed out that we have to leave room for a dishwasher.

And he said no.

We argued violently about this for twenty minutes. “I’ve never had a dishwasher,” he said, “and I wouldn’t use one if we got it.”

And suddenly I saw the truth, as devastatingly as if it had been Zeus revealing himself in his splendor. “You think having a dishwasher is a sign of moral weakness, don’t you?” I said.

“Honey, of course having a dishwasher is a sign of moral weakness,” he replied. “You’re the one who’s deluding yourself by saying it’s not.”

Sweet Jesus, what have I done?

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29 Responses to I have made a dreadful, dreadful mistake

  1. jon collins says:

    you’ll have to kill him.

  2. photogreg says:

    OK…this is good to know since I recently re-entered the dating world. I’ll be sure to add that to my dating questionnaire. (I LOVE dishwashers!)

  3. Aidan says:

    Run. Don’t look back. Or else in a couple of years you are going to be doing laundry with a washboard and scrubbing floors with a brush or whatever other puritanical hate-filled torture he comes up with.

    If you are going to spend more time on your knees, I think you should clean UP, not clean.

    Or else he could become completely and irreversibly responsible for washing/drying/putting away every dish or utensil used in your kitchen. That works for me.

    Be afraid. Very afraid.

  4. Jeffrey says:

    So you can shake your stuff and let people stuff cash into your crotch but not have a dishwasher. He certainly has an interesting moral development scale he uses to make decisions.

  5. anapestic says:

    It may not be possible to reason with the insane, but you might try explaining to him that not putting in a dishwasher will reduce the resale value of the house by, oh, about half. If that doesn’t work, you could try to explain to him how very attractive moral weakness is, but if he doesn’t get that already, you have bigger problems than washing your dishes by hand.

  6. goblinbox says:

    Gadzooks! There are people who are anti-dishwasher??!? Make him do all the dishes forever after, he’ll change his moral tune soon enough.

    He called you honey, though. Which is totally fucking adorable.

    Better he denies you an appliance than a career path, though.

  7. Jeffrey says:

    Oh honey, I’m so sorry, but for the good of the human race, he must be destroyed.

  8. will says:

    You could try the old “witholding sex” thing, but I think we all know the odds of you actually following through on that threat.

  9. Logan says:

    This exact same problem has arisen between Anthony and me several times.

    I’d leave him for being weak and dependent on a machine, but honestly, the dick’s just too good.

  10. Jen says:

    Anapestic is correct. I would NEVER buy a house without a dishwasher, as I lived without one for 5 years and remember oh-so-clearly what a hellish existence it was. Also, tell him unless he himself is a particularly thrifty washer of dishes, the automatic version is more economical. Or so they say.

  11. Hedgie says:

    This calls for drastic action.

    I lived with a dishwasherphobe and it was purgatory. The ordeal only ended when we were given a dishwasher as a housewarming gift by my parents.

    He used the machine for the first time and was immediately converted.

  12. Andrew says:

    Hey, no problem. He can just do every fucking dish for the rest of forever.

  13. tim says:

    Dishwashers are for pussies.

  14. DoF says:

    There is something to be said on E.S’s behalf. Recently talked with a doc, who mentioned that it’s clear in autopsy who has used a dishwasher and who hasn’t, damage in the internal organs due to detergent recidues.

    And knowing the number of gay men that I know, is there anything in your fridge to cook with anyway? Darling, your diet sounds more like grapes or chocolate, depending of the day.

  15. campbell says:

    I’m afraid the general consensus is right on this one. If you only use the dishwasher when it’s fully loaded, it is generaly held to be less wasteful of water, power etc., etc., than doing the equivalent load by hand. This means that a dishwasher is not a sign of moral weakness but, if carefully chosen for its ‘green’credentials, a small contribution to the health of the planet. And to Faustus’s sanity, such as it is.

    Put your foot down girl and use your go-go winnings to buy one; he’ll come around toot de sweet.

  16. Aidan says:

    DoF is full of crap.

  17. David says:

    Good Lord. If we could harness this passion for gay marriage rights, W would be officiating at Mary Cheney’s ceremony by now.

  18. timothy says:

    I think dishwashers make water glasses taste funky.

  19. Bigg says:

    Holy cow, you mean they have a MACHINE that washes dishes for you now?

    Jeez, these Americans have everything….

  20. Sin says:

    Well, as long as he agrees to do the dishes for the rest of his natural lifespan (and potentially beyond), is there really that much of a problem? 😉

  21. Johnboy says:

    Put down the mouse, grab A and get out of the house, NOW. Don’t look back. There are shelters for just this eventuality and, if things turn really dire, we can work you into the underground railroad (password: “Maytag”). Remember, the Unabomber didn’t have a dishwasher, either….

  22. Jen says:

    my bf left me two months ago, and i trace all the problems back to the fact that we did not have a dishwasher, and we both despised doing dishes. if E.S. is oging to be responsible for all your dishes, go for it. if you’re going to have to share duties… GET ONE.

  23. Lauren says:

    Tell him that I miss my parents’ dishwasher more than I miss my parents.

    Okay, that won’t actually impress him all that much.

  24. Boopsie says:

    People, especially New Yorkers, justify their insecurity about involuntary dishwasher deprivation by feigning moral superiority. It is most definitely a mark of inferiority complex. A good dishwasher, say Miele, will save energy and water and will never break or make any noise. If space is truly the issue, you can now purchase a “dishwasher sink” from Whirpool/Kitchenaid that is a kitchen sink with a retractable cover. When the sink is full of dishes, just lock the cover and press the button! Or you can buy a dishwasher drawer(s). The options are endless once you overcome your psychological inefficiencies.

  25. bitchphd says:

    You can save space by having one of those dishwashers (are these the dishwasher drawers?) that wash and then just store the dishes. I think you have two, so that the dirty/clean dishes rotate. Thus you have more cupboard space for food or whatever.

    If the man insists on not having a dishwasher, he must sign and have notarized a contract that he will always wash the dishes, even in illness, and he can never leave town without you.

    Otherwise get the dishwasher and tell him that if he prefers dishpan hands, he doesn’t have to use the thing.

  26. Paul says:

    My God. Moral weakness?! Does that mean you have to light a fire by using flint and rocks?


  27. Hedgie says:

    19) Bigg has a point. It is well-known throughout the world that Americans are at the forefront of every technological innovation. Tell E.S. that by resisting progress he is being Unamerican.

  28. Groomzilla says:

    Does he really want your dirty dollar bill- and semen-soaked hands on his dishes anyways?

  29. Steve says:

    as if it had been Zeus revealing himself in his splendor

    You know, if I were Zeus, I’d seduce comely housewives by taking the form of a dishwasher.


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