July 14, 2006

Dear Woman Who Stormed Out of the Step Class I Was Subbing Yesterday Afternoon After I Offered You My Risers in Response to Your Request That I Speed the Music Up Even More Than I Already Had in Response to Your Previous Requests, Even Though it Was Already at a Faster Tempo Than I Feel Comfortable Teaching at and a Faster Tempo Than the Guy Who Usually Teaches the Class Teaches at and a Faster Tempo Than Step Guidelines Allow, and Even Though You Were the One Person in the Entire Class Who Was Barely Moving and Maybe If You Had Listened When I Kept Saying, “Knees Higher, Everybody!” (Although You Were the Only Person Whose Knees Weren’t High Enough and so I Was Actually Just Talking to You) You Might Have Felt Like You Were Getting Exercise Although You Were Still Sweating Up a Storm Even With the Barely Moving, and Then Came Back After Class Was Over and Yelled at Me in Front of Everybody for Having Some Nerve Embarrassing You Like That in Front of the Class and You Had a Knee Injury (Although You Didn’t Bother Telling Me That at the Beginning of Class When I Asked if Anybody Had Any Injuries I Should Know About) and My Class Was Boring (Although Everybody Else Was Very Clearly Having a Lot of Fun) and Basic (Although You Kept Missing Steps) and I was Unprofessional and Disgusting and Shouldn’t Be Teaching and a Sub and Didn’t Know My Place and Then Stormed Back Out, at Which Point Five People in the Class Told Me They’d Had a Great Time and They Had No Problem With the Tempo and They Thought You Had Been Completely Inappropriate:

Fuck you.

Very truly yours,

Faustus, M.D.

P.S.: My boyfriend, who is a psychiatrist, says you have Borderline Personality Disorder. –F

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23 Responses to Dear Woman Who Stormed Out of the Step Class I Was Subbing Yesterday

  1. God, how horrifying. My first boyfriend had Borderline Personality Disorder. That woman should be shot before she violently attacks someone.

  2. campbell says:

    Coo! All those capital letters and minimal punctuation; I am guessing here, but are you a bit pissed off? Just a thought, I may be wrong.

  3. David says:

    That’s one hell of a salutation.

  4. Aidan says:

    I think I may have waited on her back in the day. She threw her salad on me because the dressing was oily. She screamed and screamed and screamed at me. Eventually a bus boy “accidentally” dumped a pitcher of ice water on her. Patrons applauded.

  5. anapestic says:

    The problem here is that since you teach in NYC, you could probably be addressing at least six people. You should probably include hair color and what she was wearing so that she has a chance of recognizing herself.

  6. matt says:

    I know exactly how you feel.

  7. Will says:

    From a fellow step instructor….I feel your pain!!

  8. Roy says:

    Is it all that borderline?

  9. Jeffrey says:

    How ’bout a riser right upside her profoundly disturbed head?

  10. Chris says:

    *hugs joel* there you go.

    p.s. did u like my hug?

  11. Pam says:

    Let us hunt her down and kill her like a dog in the street !

  12. willam says:

    i totally woulda kneecapped her

  13. willam says:

    thought about it and changed my mind.
    i woulda cunt punched her. women hate that.

  14. N.O. says:

    Testify, my brother!! (from yet another step instructor)

  15. Tom says:

    That reminds me of what I hated about teaching aerobics (that and the people who have to have the same spot and pout about it if they don’t get it). If she doesn’t enjoy class, leaving is OK. But if she wants a f*-ing personal trainer, she can damn well pay the money for it.

  16. Tom says:

    I love willam.

  17. Sin says:

    I don’t think (with all due respect) that she has BPD.

    I just think she’s a raging bitch.

  18. Helen says:

    My aunt would look at her, and then turn back to me and say, loudly, ‘Her husband must have just left her for a younger woman.’

  19. LaunderLust says:

    I took a bikram yoga class once where a girl kept complaining that it wasn’t hot enough and she was feeling a cold draft. The teacher, who was always trying to make everyone happy and was my absolute favorite, just looked at her and said, “It’s 105 degrees in here. If you want it hotter, you’ll just have to work harder.” She screamed at him, “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!” and stormed out. The rest of the class, myself included, applauded as she did. Had I been present when this girl came back and screamed at you, I would have butted in. I just know I would have, because I can’t stand people like her!

  20. Andy says:

    I [heart] you soooo much.

  21. Karen says:

    I desperately want a boyfriend who is a psychiatrist just so I can tell people, “My boyfriend, who is a psychiatrist, says you have Borderline Personality Disorder.”

  22. mike says:

    ooooooooooooh, your too good to let a girl like that piss you off!

  23. Lavi Soloway says:

    This post is exactly why I read your blog.


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