March 7, 2006

There’s nothing quite like not being able to sleep and turning on the television at 1:30 in the morning and flipping to a documentary about an amateur-porn film festival and seeing a girl you were friends with in college starring in a backstage movie of a fifties-style musical as a singing strawberry who makes a mistake and gets spanked and then fucked by a menacing stagehand while her cohorts the snail, the flower, and the other random horticultural element I am too tired to remember look on and continue singing to keep you staring at your ceiling until you have to get out of bed and go to a meeting even though the image still haunts you so vividly that you might as well have stayed home for all the use you are.

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23 Responses to There’s nothing quite like not being able to sleep and turning

  1. David says:

    Nope, there is indeed nothing like it. And that has to be one of the longest sentences I have ever read.

  2. Kenny says:

    Wait, that happened to you too?!

  3. Polly Tropia says:

    Now, was she only a girl you knew in college, or was she a girl you knew in college, say, church choir?

  4. birdfarm says:

    Someone you knew in college??? That would be the college we both attended so…. who?

    Let me rephrase that… WHO!?!?!?!?

    C’mon, it was on national TV, or some kind of TV, so it’s not like it’s a secret!!! You HAVE TO TELL ME!!!!

    Oh my god! I am dying of curiosity!

    Do you hear me?


  5. birdfarm says:

    P.S. Have you considered sending this in to the Class Notes section of our alumni magazine? It would sure liven up those tedious reams of birth announcements from people I don’t remember.

  6. And what’s the name of the movie so I can make sure that I catch the repeat of it for the camp value of singing fruit having sex….

  7. chris says:

    That was extremely poor grammar. SHAME ON YOU!

  8. birdfarm says:

    It’s too late to send this item in to the Class Notes section of our alumni magazine… it has already been featured in the campus newspaper, here.

    Brian, according to the above-mentioned article, the name of the film is “The Naughty Garden.” The article also notes that the alumna’s “interest in pornography was fostered by Harvard

  9. birdfarm says:

    I just have one more thing to add (having finally finished the article I linked to above):

    “‘Naughty Cherubs’ and ‘The Naughty Garden’–the first two installments in the musical spanking trilogy–will be available with ‘Naughty Chickens’ in September 2004.”

    Perhaps someone out there is rushing right out to the neighborhood video store this minute…

  10. While it may have been a whopper of a sentence, it was in fact grammatically correct.

  11. chris says:

    It was a run-on sentence. That’s poor grammar, so ner 😛

  12. anapestic says:

    While one can certainly argue that the run-on sentence is to be avoided in certain kinds of writing, such as that memo to your superiors about the increase in fruit-related sex crimes, it is not per se bad grammar, and there are clearly contexts such as the instant case where the writer is describing a surreal experience that occurred during, and indeed extended, a period of sleeplessness where the run-on sentence is so appropriate that to not use it would be wrong.

  13. David says:

    anapestic: Very clever.

  14. Jeffrey says:

    Actually, that sentence is long, but it’s not technically a run-on sentence by some definitions (though others define a run-on as one that just goes on and on). There are conjunctions used in all the appropriate places (*that’s their function*–sing it with me!). However, it does go on a bit. Entering your Faulkner stage, my dear?

  15. Technically, a “run-on sentence” is defined as two or more main clauses that are joined together without proper punctuation – and in this posting, all the punctuation checks out. Indeed, from what I’ve read on this blog over the past couple of years, I’d be shocked if Dr. Faustus used improper punctuation. Hasn’t he dumped guys over that?

  16. Mush says:

    That was a stellar run-on! *clap clap clap*

  17. Aidan says:

    Is it appropriate to comment on comments? I must say, Anapestic may well have written one of the finest run-on sentences ever. I’m not even going to try. I’m in awe.

    I, too, would love to know the name of the movie. I didn’t go to college with you, but the movie sounds like something Charles Ludlum would have written!

    Gian stuffed-fruit sex. Would that be a sub-genre of the food-grunge fetish? Or would that be plushie? I will want to be well informed when I speak of this; and I shall.

  18. Sartre_jnr says:

    Clearly Faustus is experimenting with stream of consciousness a la James Joyce and Virginia Woolfe. What a lark, what a plunge! It also suddenly occurs to me that all blogging could be stream of consciousness. Hmmm, I’ll have to go re read Mrs Dalloway to find out. Moreover, we should be grateful – the last chapter of Ulysses by James Joyce has NO punctuation, despite being in stream of consciousness.

  19. Craig says:

    Much prefer your pointless yet humorous observations about the mundane than your indignant and obscenity-laced yet also pointless political outbursts.

  20. jim says:

    What he said.

  21. chris says:

    Faustus, you should be SO proud of me for making everyone argue about grammar and punctuation *AGAIN*!!

    I still maintain the post was a run-on sentence because it had multiple clauses which could have functioned well as independent sentences.

    Btw, to everyone above, I said the post showed *poor* grammar, not *bad* grammar. They aren’t the same thing. So double ner 😛

  22. Lynn in Tucson says:

    Ohmygawd! That happened to me once, too! A guy I did summer stock with once upon a time showed up on the Spice channel.

    Not that I was watching the Spice channel….

    Never mind.

  23. I’m still waiting for the day I “accidently” run across your porn video, in which, I should hope, the fucking was not simulated. Hee hee…


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