Since we started dating, E.S. has wanted me to express my feelings, even when they are unpleasant. He says things like, “I want you to be you, not to squelch your natural impulses just because you think they’ll upset me.”
I don’t know where he came up with such a repugnant idea–probably the same place he got the ridiculous notion that I look better without product in my hair–but in order to punish him I have been taking him at his word. This leads to conversations like the following.
E.S.: So, since we’re buying a house, can we talk about Christmas presents?
FAUSTUS: What about them?
E.S.: Well, I know you want a bread maker or an ice cream maker–
FAUSTUS: A bread maker and/or an ice cream maker.
E.S. –a bread maker and/or an ice cream maker, but it doesn’t seem to be the right time to buy house-type things.
FAUSTUS (raising an eyebrow): Oh?
E.S.: I mean, I know you want to start playing with them right away, but the practical side of me says it would be better to wait until . . .
FAUSTUS: Until what? Until I break up with you?
E.S.: You’re such a brat.
FAUSTUS: You told me not to squelch my natural impulses just because I think they’ll upset you.
FAUSTUS: So it’s your fault I’m a brat.
E.S.: About this bread maker–
FAUSTUS: Bread and/or ice cream maker.
E.S.: That’s it. I’m giving you one disposable razor.
E.S.: Merry Christmas!
FAUSTUS: I hate you.