December 22, 2005

Since we started dating, E.S. has wanted me to express my feelings, even when they are unpleasant. He says things like, “I want you to be you, not to squelch your natural impulses just because you think they’ll upset me.”

I don’t know where he came up with such a repugnant idea–probably the same place he got the ridiculous notion that I look better without product in my hair–but in order to punish him I have been taking him at his word. This leads to conversations like the following.

E.S.: So, since we’re buying a house, can we talk about Christmas presents?
FAUSTUS: What about them?
E.S.: Well, I know you want a bread maker or an ice cream maker–
FAUSTUS: A bread maker and/or an ice cream maker.
E.S. –a bread maker and/or an ice cream maker, but it doesn’t seem to be the right time to buy house-type things.
FAUSTUS (raising an eyebrow): Oh?
E.S.: I mean, I know you want to start playing with them right away, but the practical side of me says it would be better to wait until . . .
FAUSTUS: Until what? Until I break up with you?
E.S.: You’re such a brat.
FAUSTUS: You told me not to squelch my natural impulses just because I think they’ll upset you.
E.S.: So?
FAUSTUS: So it’s your fault I’m a brat.
E.S.: About this bread maker–
FAUSTUS: Bread and/or ice cream maker.
E.S.: That’s it. I’m giving you one disposable razor.
E.S.: Merry Christmas!
FAUSTUS: I hate you.

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10 Responses to Since we started dating, E

  1. Mush says:

    You are such a brat. Best be careful lest one day he ups and squelches you, dear!

    (I adore my bread maker, btw, but it does require a bit of research to find recipes that don’t suck. If you do get one of your own, let me know and I’ll send you a few of my favorites.)

  2. I secretly think he likes how bratty I am. And if he does in fact get me a bread maker instead of a lump of coal, I will definitely be in touch about recipes.

  3. chris says:

    i think he likes you bratty cos then when you are naughty he can spank your bot bot. there. i said it.

  4. dan says:

    “I don’t think you’re crazy. I just think you’re spoiled.”

    –Tori Spelling in The House Of Yes.

    I don’t really think you’re spoiled, that’s just my favorite line from the movie, and my favorite Tori Spelling line of all time.

  5. Paul says:

    Definitely! He loves ya cause you’re bratty. You’re still getting that razor though 🙂


  6. David says:

    You two are so perfect together it’s almost frightening.

  7. chris: You just wanted the mental image in your head.

    dan: Oh, my God, I loved The House of Yes. My favorite Tori Spelling line of all time is “I ate so much my twat could explode.” Tori Spelling didn’t actually deliver it; Anika McFall did, in Camp Daze.

    Paul: Not if he knows what’s good for him.

    David: Frightening to you and me both, buddy.

  8. Ruby says:

    Well, at least he knows what you want, and I’m guessing you know what he wants.

    I have no idea what my bf wants for Christmas!

    I think I’ll be traditional and stick to sexy lingerie!

  9. aimee says:


    Your name isn’t actually Faustus?


    I’m deeply upset by this!

    But I’m sure I’ll get over it. 🙂

  10. Jeffrey says:

    When did you and E.S. start writing dialogue for “Gilmore Girls”?


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