November 2, 2005

I loathe children, as you all know, but find them much less terrifying on Hallowe’en, when they are dressed as scary monsters, than at other times, when they are dressed as themselves. In joyful anticipation of the arrival of hordes of three-foot-tall devils and Screams and Karl Roves, I bought ten trillion pounds of wrapped chocolate on Monday afternoon.

I had one trick-or-treater. He had a lame red mask on that wasn’t the slightest bit scary. He took one piece of chocolate, but then I made him take three more.

Then I ate all the rest of it today, all nine trillion, nine hundred ninety-nine billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine pounds and fifteen ounces of it.

Perhaps I can avoid my bathroom scale tomorrow morning if I imagine that it is actually a small child in a costume. Or Karl Rove.

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11 Responses to I loathe children, as you

  1. coolbuddha says:

    Ummmm chocolate. I pretended not to be in on halloween. How sad is that?!

  2. Logan says:

    I had two witches, one turtle, one vagina, and one Karl Rove (who snitched on the vagina for kicking the gnome outside my doorstep).

    After that binge, your bathroom scale might not be the only thing bearing a resemblance to Karl Rove.

  3. Uncle Zoloft says:

    …I imagine a small child, in coustume, being eaten by Rove ~ just like a chocolate bunny….

  4. David says:

    You might not want to hit the scale until after you next bowel movement, which after all that chocolate you ate, should be around Christmas.

  5. Jaclyn says:

    We had a miniature 6 year old Napoleon Dynamite on my block. His mother decked him out in Napoleon’s dance getup – complete with rosy pink suit coat and moon boots.

    He lisped “Vote for Pedro” and moonwalked off my porch. Like you, children normally terrify me, but that one just made me almost pee I was laughing so hard.

  6. birdfarm says:

    Oh, honey–maybe you didn’t realize this, but you live in Manhattan. A reputedly dangerous place where kids don’t trick-or-treat at strangers’ apartments–mostly at stores and at the homes of relatives.

    Just curious: have you never been home on Halloween before? Or has your experience in previous years been totally different from ours when we lived there?

  7. Mush says:

    I’m not buying it. You knew you’d end up eating all that candy yourself. Send your bathroom scale on a nice tropical vacation until you’re ready to look at it again.

  8. Yaj says:

    Took me a while to figure out the Karl Rove joke… or was it even a joke? I need my martini now…

  9. Ruby says:

    Who is Karl Rove?


  10. Sin says:

    At least there was someone around. In London, Halloween barely existed.

  11. I too hate little children. I refer to them as beasts.

    When I was in love with my ex – I pretended the thought of having kids wasn’t my worst night mare. When we broke up, that was the first thing I told him:

    “You know what! I was lying when I said I liked kids. I hate the little beasts and I’m so glad I don’t have to fake it any more.”

    Felt good to get that off my chest… 🙂


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