August 31, 2005

Today, in what will certainly be a vain effort to vary my workout routine, I joined PUSH, a service that sends its members workout videos customized to their needs (as expressed in a series of questionnaires on the site). I signed up because one of the people doing the videos is the love of my life, Trainer Bob from The Biggest Loser. The monthly fee seemed quite low, especially in exchange for regular deliveries of DVDs on which Trainer Bob will undoubtedly say things like, “Faustus, I love you and can’t live without you” and “Faustus, give me three more crunches and I will fuck you silly.”

The PUSH multiple-choice questionnaires were remarkably detailed and surprisingly interesting, if less than perfectly grammatical. Naturally, they asked about height, weight, and current level of activity, but there were also questions like, “Love Life: Hitched/Separated/Divorced/Just Dating/Other” and “How would you describe your sense of humor? Good Clean Fun. Rated G./Clever bodily-function jokes=good./More mature.Risque is OK if smart./No holds Barred. NC-17.” Among the options for “What cardio do you already do?” were “Sex with people I know” and “Sex with people I don’t know.” I answered all the questions as if I were not in a relationship, because of course the most important quality in a trainer is that he make me think I can sleep with him if I work hard enough, and if Trainer Bob knows I have a boyfriend he will quash that fantasy as quickly as possible. He’s too honorable by half, but I don’t mind. It’s part of why he is my soul mate.

E.S., by the way, hates my crush on Trainer Bob. It became a bone of contention between us near the end of last season. Trainer Bob would appear on screen and I would say things like, “Trainer Bob is so great,” my voice full of love, and E.S. would huff, “What are you doing here, then? Go marry Trainer Bob.”

When I finished the questionnaires today, I got to the “My PUSHTrainer” section, in which I was asked if I wanted PUSH to assign me a trainer based on my profile or if I wanted to pick my own. The options were “Bob–tough love,” “Jon–sweet and funny,” and “Kristin–cute with no…”. I was unable to manipulate the screen to reveal what it was Kristin had none of, though in my fantasy she is “Kristin–cute with nosferatu,” but it didn’t matter because I knew I was going to get Bob. I indicated that PUSH should assign me a trainer, supremely confident in the result.

And I got Jon.

I was appalled. I went to the “trainers” page on the site and clicked “to see Jon in Action!” He certainly seemed like a competent trainer, but he is not the love of my life. What if PUSH is right, though, and Trainer Bob and I are not truly suited for each other? I do not want videos on which Jon says things like, “Faustus, I love you and can’t live without you” and “Faustus, give me three more crunches and I will fuck you silly,” but that seems to be what I’m in for. I went back and unchecked “Sex with people I don’t know,” thinking that maybe Trainer Bob goes for the wholesome type, but it didn’t make any difference. I even changed my sense of humor from “No holds Barred” to “Good Clean Fun,” on the theory that perhaps Trainer Bob is a humorless romantic, which would be sad but tolerable given his abs. No dice.

I’ve decided to go with Jon for the first month and see what happens. Who knows? He might awaken fantasies in me I wasn’t even aware I had, and prove to be my true love more thoroughly than Trainer Bob ever could. I could respond to his voice in ways my body wasn’t even aware existed, and we could live together in blissful happiness for the rest of our days.

Except he’s obviously a bottom.

I’m totally demanding Bob.

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9 Responses to Today, in what will certainly

  1. Logan says:

    You should have made Trainer Bob a stained-glass window at Camp Camp.

  2. Jeffrey says:

    Oh dear lord, Jon should change his name to Gay Gayerson.

    But dig that little move Kristin does at the end of her “action” clip. Sassy.

  3. sam says:

    Trainer Bob is hot. But then I noticed all the tattoos. I won’t be stealing him away from you.

  4. anapestic says:

    It occurs to me that your final sentence would also be true with a comma after “demanding.”

  5. Bleary says:

    Guys with tattoos are hot! Trainer guys with tattoos are *drool*

  6. mike says:

    Here in the UK, we have a word for men like Trainer Bob: phwoooar.

  7. Gary says:

    Doesn’t the program designer of exercise equipment that you can find everywhere from Wal-mart [sic] to fancy hotels sound right up your alley? You should check both a Wal-Mart [force yourself] and a fancy hotel near you, then sue for false advertising.

  8. birdfarm says:

    Hmmm, I’m not sure if “phwoooar” really qualifies as a word. Faustus?

    Mostly it sounds like the sit-up (or chin-up or push-up) that comes between “threeeeeeeee” and “ffffive.”

  9. Mush says:

    Damn you’re funny, Faustus. I adore sitting at my desk at work giggling aloud at your blog, wondering if the the security admin is going to check the firewall for traffic and see what I’ve been reading that’s so damned amusing.

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