August 15, 2005

It’s just as well that E.S. works in a psychiatric ward in a hospital, because he is actually mentally ill himself. Specifically, he has a fixed delusion that he and I are going to raise a child one day. I have done everything short of electroconvulsive therapy to convince him that this is never, ever, ever going to happen, but still he persists in talking about getting an apartment with space enough for a baby, what we might name a child, and so forth.

Last night’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition–it may in fact have been televised on another day but last night was when we watched it–was about a family whose six-year-old daughter was abducted years ago. They have never given up hope that she might one day return to them, and the new house that the Extreme Makeover crew built for them had a bedroom in it for her. I found it disturbing and beautiful at the same time but quickly went back to what I had been writing before the episode started; E.S., on the other hand, was lost in thought for long minutes after the final credits rolled, his eyes hooded and his expression inscrutable.

Then he turned to me and said, “Do you think if we adopted a child and then made it disappear mysteriously, we could get an extreme makeover?”

I laughed really hard for five minutes and then I told him that was the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard him say.

I really am rubbing off on him.

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11 Responses to It’s just as well that

  1. matt says:

    I do like kids. …but, more so from a distance.

    I need to watch more TV. I don’t know these shows.

  2. Jess says:

    That’s so disturbing. Good job, Faustus!

  3. gamhanan says:

    LOL! i love E.S. ahahaha.
    no, i love you both!

  4. Sparky says:

    You mean Ty Pennington didn’t find the daughetr and surprise them with her at the end of the show? Now THAT would have been good, manipulative television.

  5. Simon says:

    I don’t know whether to laugh with you or send you to your room with a spanking. Boys.

  6. Cameellie says:

    It’s not that I don’t like children, it’s that I can never finish a whole one.

  7. Mush says:

    And he started so pure, that E.S.! Now he’s just another makeover whore.


  8. David says:

    I’d like to revise my comment from August 12th: A match made in the Hannibal Lecter Charm School.

  9. Brian says:

    His odds are better if he adopts, say, eight kids, then kills you off. ABC would eat that up.

    Luckily, he doesn’t read this.

  10. Groomzilla says:

    And Extreme Makeover will even help you cover your tracks by building a brand new house right on top of her shallow basement grave!

    Did you see the other Extreme Makeover couple who got a new house for them and their six adopted children, and then forced all the kids out? That’s probably the more lucrative way to go, if you’re gunning for sheer net profit.

  11. Ruby says:


    You really are rubbing off on him. Can you please tell me which hospital E.S works in so I can send all of my ex boyfriends and the people I hate there…no reason!


    ..seriously, tell me.


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