August 16, 2005

Dieting would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn’t keep going to restaurants that served chocolate cake delicious enough to induce spontaneous orgasm.

And before those of you who know me say, oh, no, you look great, let me inform you that I weighed more yesterday morning than I have in three years.

I’m considering contracting Ebola, as I hear that’s a great way to lose some extra pounds.

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16 Responses to Dieting would be a hell

  1. Sparky says:

    How many times have I told you? Organ removal is your passport to weight loss. Surely you can ditch one of those kidneys or something.

  2. matt says:

    I would suggest that you skip embola and retain your organs. Just start shooting up.

    Since living in SF I’ve been dealing with a number of heroin/meth addicts — and crack addicts. (long story) Anyway, all 3 addictions seem to keep a boy quite thin, but it would appear that H does the trick best!

    Only thing is I’ve noticed that the desire to bathe and brush teeth seems to go out the window. So, you would want someone to keep that in check!

  3. JR says:

    TB is totally the way to go these days for weight loss. Oh, but the antibiotics would make you deaf.

    But, how would E.S. kiss you through an N95 mask?


    You look great.

  4. Ruby says:

    Ebola… (dreamy eyed) wow!

    Ahem, everyone who has Ebola is invited to a part at my house.

    Date: As soon as you can.
    Time: Doesn’t matter.
    Age: Doesn’t matter.

    Note: Please invite anyone who has Ebola to come over too. I’ll be happy.

    I look forward to seeing you in my party.


  5. Ruby says:

    I meant:

    invited to a PARTY at my house

  6. Mmmm… ebola…

  7. Brian says:

    Have you considered a tape worm?

  8. jon collins says:

    meth + hepatitis = model.

  9. The Exile says:

    Oh dear me, no: Ebola wouldn’t help.

    Your organs would liquify: honey, just think of the fluid retention.

  10. David says:

    Gee, I was on vacation last week, ate ice cream every day and didn’t gain a pound. Guess I’m just naturally skinny.


  11. Jeffrey says:

    I have often told people that they could get rid of 20 pounds of unsightly fat by having their head removed. In your case, that wouldn’t work, as your smile is just darling.

    You might want to try mind-numbing depression. As you’ll recall, it worked for me. I lost 20 pounds and got laid a *lot*….

  12. Mush says:

    Ebola’s a little overkill, hon. Good old fashioned food poisoning will help you drop seven pounds in a week! I’m sure you can find a diner around somewhere to help you out with contracting it.

  13. Licketysplit says:

    What they don’t tell you: these days it is possible to contract quick-onset obesity just from leaving the house! It’s not you, it’s society.

  14. As a practical and healthy matter, weight watchers proved to be the perfect solution for me… but alas, given any thought to bulimia?


  15. Jess says:

    Actually, we had an alert at the hospital recently that there was an outbreak of Marburg going on in Africa (where else?). They tell us these things so we (well, the actual medical folks, not me) can be on the lookout for possible cases, in the event someone bleeding from every orifice catches a flight to NYC.

    So you could head over and try to catch that one. It’s a type of hemorragic fever, very similar to Ebola. It should work, but I have to say that it seems somewhat extreme. You’re likely to lose the weight, but you’ll look terrible when it’s done (in the unlikely event that you actually survive).

  16. Uncle Zoloft says:

    I suggest a dissecting aneurysm. 2 weeks of morphine, Demerol & ice chips! {lost 20 pounds!} Warning if they try to push the steriods tell ’em to “f#ck off” ~ no need to get a buffalo hump and chipmunk checks. After that just smoke, drink vodka and have an Egg McMuffin every morning to keep ya goin’.


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