Actually, it turns out (according to E.S.) that the most effective way to lose weight is to suffer severe burns.
Since I never go to the beach as it is, I really have no need for an unscarred back. So I think I’ll just find an open flame and lie down in it. E.S. will object if I tell him ahead of time, so I won’t say anything about it. Then I’ll show up at his apartment, burned and svelte again, and he will be thrilled.
I briefly considered having a brain injury, which is the second most effective way to lose weight. But, even though being thin is the most important thing in the world, more important than kindness and compassion and good shoes put together, I’d prefer not to risk damaging my rapier-like wit, especially with the option of third-degree burns open to me.
In other news, I’m leaving town on Friday to go to Camp Camp, a camp in Maine where gays and lesbians can reclaim the childhood summers that were ruined for them because they felt alienated from all the heterosexual children who surrounded them. In my absence, you’ll be in the hands of a very special guest blogger. Some of you may remember the Great Blogalike Contest of 2004. (If you don’t, go here for the contest rules, here for the entries, and here for the results.) The person writing my blog while I’m away is the winner of the Blogalike Contest, the person who beat me out in a contest to write like me. He’ll be continuing in that tradition, posting as me, but under the moniker Fauxstus.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.