August 17, 2005

Actually, it turns out (according to E.S.) that the most effective way to lose weight is to suffer severe burns.

Since I never go to the beach as it is, I really have no need for an unscarred back. So I think I’ll just find an open flame and lie down in it. E.S. will object if I tell him ahead of time, so I won’t say anything about it. Then I’ll show up at his apartment, burned and svelte again, and he will be thrilled.

I briefly considered having a brain injury, which is the second most effective way to lose weight. But, even though being thin is the most important thing in the world, more important than kindness and compassion and good shoes put together, I’d prefer not to risk damaging my rapier-like wit, especially with the option of third-degree burns open to me.

In other news, I’m leaving town on Friday to go to Camp Camp, a camp in Maine where gays and lesbians can reclaim the childhood summers that were ruined for them because they felt alienated from all the heterosexual children who surrounded them. In my absence, you’ll be in the hands of a very special guest blogger. Some of you may remember the Great Blogalike Contest of 2004. (If you don’t, go here for the contest rules, here for the entries, and here for the results.) The person writing my blog while I’m away is the winner of the Blogalike Contest, the person who beat me out in a contest to write like me. He’ll be continuing in that tradition, posting as me, but under the moniker Fauxstus.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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9 Responses to Actually, it turns out (according

  1. Kevin says:

    Maine? Aren’t you running the risk of seeing a tree?

  2. Jill Smith says:

    Oh Faustus – Maine has more than trees. It has moss. MOSS, I tell you. Also oceans and mountains.* It’s totally beautiful in that not manmade kind of way. You will hate it.

    *kee-rist. I just gave myself a “What the World Needs Now” earworm. What are the preferred forms for inflicting brain damage? I can get myself a twofer.

  3. David says:

    Make a lanyard and have a s’mores for me. Kumbaya.

  4. RYAN says:

    well, actually, it depends what part of your brain you injure. if you injure the front part (not sure what the actual term for it is) responsible for judgement and decision-making skills, you tend to become a voracious eater b/c your brain lacks the signal that tells you that you’re full and you just eat and eat and eat. trust me. it happened to someone i know.

    so you might want to reconsider that idea.

  5. MzOuiser says:

    Is there a camp like that for straight kids who were simply geeks?

    I remember that blogalike contest very well. Looking forward to this.

  6. Mush says:

    And what’s wrong with addiction to good old-fashioned amphetamines, I ask you? Nothing says svelte like disturbing twitches and random eye movements!

  7. Dave says:

    I hear that having one’s tonsils removed is an excellent way to lose weight.

    But remember, you only have two of them. Perhaps it would be best to have just one removed, and save the second for later.

  8. Uncle Zoloft says:

    tics, honey, tics + a steady diet of vodka and coffee helps too.

  9. sep says:

    oh thank god. I just returned from Japan to find out that in my absence Faustus has gone insane and his world is turned upside down and is this a good thing or a bad thing or….???? fortunately i read this far before entering too great a state of shock. Fauxstus. Indeed. Wow. Well.

    Probably I will now enjoy Fauxstus rather than worrying unduly about Faustus. But I’m a little bit scared of your blog now…. but it’s kinda like being scared of what’s under the bandaid….. you just gotta look…


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