March 2, 2005

At the end of last summer, I emailed my editor for the haiku book with a bunch of questions. At the end of the email, I wrote, “By the way, do you guys need a photo for the book jacket or anything?” He replied to all my questions and then said “Yes, we need a photo, by September 22.” This was five weeks away.

And I was like, I wrote a book called Gay Haiku. Do you think I don’t need THREE MONTHS to get ready for a photo?

At the time I weighed 143 pounds–severely up from my usual and preferred weight of somewhere between 130 and 135. I went into overdrive, spending all my free time at the gym and sacrificing anything I could get my hands on to the gods, so that they’d let me lose ten pounds in five weeks.

The gods were, in the end, deaf to my pleas.

This may have had something to do with the fact that, during this period, every time I saw chocolate I shoveled it into my mouth as if it were antivenin and I had just been bitten by a rhino viper.

In the end I went to my photo shoot weighing something like 141 pounds. (I say “something like” not because hadn’t gotten on the scale in the morning and found out how much I weighed to within two tenths of a pound–of course I had–but because on the way there I was so miserable about being so enormous that I stopped at City Bakery and inhaled as many melted chocolated chip cookies as I could get my fat little hands on.)

Fast forward, if you will, to now. I am below 140 for the first time in a year, and fairly lean and muscly for the first time in two years, a state I attribute to having gone on The Abs Diet. I looked in the mirror yesterday morning and the person I saw staring back at me was so hot I wanted him to fuck me. Of course he was a bottom so there wouldn’t really have been any point, but still. I looked damn good.

So I’m thinking maybe I should have new photos taken. It would cause a disastrous delay in publication but at least my picture on the ruined book would look fabulous.

It’s important to have one’s priorities in the right place.

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15 Responses to At the end of last

  1. Brian says:

    Jeez, even though you don’t post pictures of yourself, at least you could give us a glimpse from the neck down!

    Perhaps David can break out the Anonymizer.

  2. Jess says:

    I’ll do the photos, if you’d like.

  3. Bob says:

    I like the way Brian thinks.

  4. anapestic says:

    Maybe they can put the new and improved picture in the second or third printing. Anyway, don’t you want your picture on your second book to look better than the picture on your first book? That way, if the reviewers don’t especially like The Homoerotic Double Dactyl, they can still say, “Although some might complain that the content of Faustus’ follow up to Gay Haiku disappoints, we note that he looks fabulous. Worth the purchase price for the picture alone.”

  5. Anonymous says:

    Really, The Abs Diet? I’m not really overweight, but I’d love something easy to maintain that would shave off the 5 pounds I wish weren’t there. I already work out pretty regularly…Faustus, does this really work?

  6. Rob says:

    Don’t hold up publication. This is what airbrushing is for.

    Not that you need it. Please.

  7. Brian: Check your inbox.

    Jess: You name the date and time. I’ll be there with bells on. And nothing else.

    Bob: I like the way you think. Care to join me in the photos?

    anapestic: I love you.

    Anonymous: It’s working for me, but only when I follow it religiously. It’s the most brilliant fad diet ever created, especially as it boils down to “eat healthily and exercise.”

    Rob: I love you.

  8. Adam875 says:

    The book cover pic wasn’t NAKED, was it? I mean, not that that isn’t a fabulous idea, but I don’t think 10 pounds is enough to make you grow 3 chins. Have another cookie.

    Of course, this from the man on the Atkins diet…

  9. Jeffrey says:

    As if you’re not already gorgeous anyway. I know, I’ve seen pictures. That, of course, wouldn’t prevent me from wanting to see current photos.

    I was on the Abs diet for three weeks, and then the exercise program caused me to throw out my back, at which point I sought comfort in chocolate, then went on vacation, then got sick. I can now say that I gained three pounds on the Abs diet. Bastards.

  10. Convivia says:

    If you’re going to be all like that, I’m not even going to be in the picture for “Gay and Lesbian Double Dactyls”, as my abs (if I have them) subsist very comfortably on their current diet of Belgian chocolate and diet Coke.

  11. Ivy says:

    Photos! I demand photos! Gay or not, a hot guy is still a hot guy! Eye candy… yum.

  12. Patrick (the other one) says:

    that is an amazing picture – you would never guess you had those cookies…

  13. chris says:

    heeeeeey, where is this hot pic ur all talking about! I demand Twinkie goodness! And some ding-dongs maybe! I’m not picky.

  14. I dunno hon…you looked pretty damn good to me on the train last time I saw you….

  15. tribecatexan says:

    i clicked on patrick’s link hoping to see a photo and all i see is a geisha. hmm…didn’t have a clue fautus has a geisha uniform fetish. oh wait…haiku, japanese…oh i get it!


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