February 14, 2005

The group fitness manager at one of the gyms where I teach forwarded an email several weeks ago asking for volunteers to tape a workout video for a study being done at a local school of social work. Since I will do anything to avoid the work I’m actually supposed to be doing, I emailed back and said I was interested; the next week, I went in so the people running the study could meet me and I could find out what the study was about.

It turned out that the video was going to be part of a wellness and safer-sex program aimed at HIV+ people recovering from cocaine and heroin addiction.

You can imagine that, once I found this out, I would have clawed the eyes out of anybody who tried to stop me from doing it.

So I put together a routine and some music and went to rehearse it with the people who’d be following me in the video (all of whom worked in the school office). After I ran through it once to show it to them, the head of the program complimented the routine and said she thought the study participants would enjoy it. “I’m not sure, though,” she said, “if the best music to use for an exercise program for recovering drug addicts is ‘Love Potion #9.'”


So I reworked the music and made some adjustments to the routine; we’re filming on Friday.

I’m going to be the Denise Austin of the drug-addict world!

I should note that the moves I sketched out are saved on my computer as a Word file called “smack routine.doc.”

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9 Responses to The group fitness manager at

  1. Brian says:

    Your next step is to become the U.S. National Aerobics Champion. I bet you could make smiling one-arm push-ups look more fun than anyone. And think of the cute outfits you would get to wear!

  2. Bob says:

    Can I get a copy of the video, or do I need to go buy some crack first?

  3. zenchick says:

    I would *love* a copy!! Really. For professional reasons (run an AIDS prevention program) as well as personal (do quite a bit of aerobics in me livin’ room)…

  4. Jere says:

    Wow! This coupled with your porn experience, certainly makes for an impressive video oeuvre.

  5. David says:

    Your life is fun.

  6. But more imporatantly, do you do the Xena or the Buffy or my personal favorite the Catwoman Around the World and if you do, do you get to say them out loud….I can see it now…it’s time to Buffy, two three four….

  7. Gary says:

    As Smack Denise, you must improve upon that annoying voice. Other videos’ cheesy or raucous music makes me hit the mute button; I turn hers off because of the chipmunk-on-speed voice… not to make any value judgments on speed, of course. Ahem.

  8. Brian: I don’t know that I could make this look more fun than the guy who’s doing it, or have a cuter outfit than this. Actually, looking at this web site makes me feel insecure in my homosexuality.

    Bob: Unfortunately, the video is not actually being released–participants have to come to the study center to follow along. So if you get addicted to coke or smack and contract HIV and move to New York, then you’re golden.

    zenchick: See my comment to Bob. Though maybe for the two of you I can get some sort of special dispensation.

    Jere: My God, I never thought about that but it’s totally true! What a Netflix lineup I’ll make.

    David: Thank you for your comment. You’ll understand why I’ve edited it–I appreciate it, however, more than I can say.

    Brian, the 646 Guy: Unfortunately, there are no Xenas or Buffys here. They said I had to keep it as simple as possible. The most complicated thing there is is a mambo. But in my mind I’m doing a Buffy.

    Gary: I will do whatever I possibly can to obey you. In this as in anything else you care to address.

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