January 10, 2005

A little over a year ago, I decided to get my own domain name. “Most of the blogs I love and respect have their own domains,” I thought to myself, “and I’m just marking time in boring-layout land here at blogspot. I should spruce things up a bit.”

Of course, along with my own domain name, I had to come up with a new title for a relaunch. After sifting through several promising possibilities, I finally settled on “Accursèd Faustus, Wretch, What Hast Thou Done?”. This is, of course, a quote from the Christopher Marlowe play The Tragedie of Doctor Faustus; our anti-hero asks himself this question after having been told that it’s just too fucking late for him and he’s going to go to hell no matter what. I much preferred this line, from the B text (1616), to the corresponding line from the A text (1604), which is a more self-pitying, less self-excoriating “Accursèd Faustus, where is mercy now?”.

So I had the title, I’d registered the domain name with a host, and I was working on a redesign. I got Movable Type and commissioned a friend of a friend to draw an illustration; with the design help of this man, I eventually had the centerpiece (click on the image for a larger version):

And then I somehow lost steam. I got caught up in other things (like deciding to start speaking to my ex N.T. again, gaining and losing the same five pounds over and over again, trying not to kill myself–you know, the usual) and never got around to setting the damn thing up.

And while I was chatting with him the other day, I realized that “Accursèd Faustus, Wretch, What Hast Thou Done?” no longer accurately describes the endeavor in which I am engaged here. Though the crippling anxiety and implacable self-loathing that have been the mainstays of this blog since its inception are still my constant companions, the combination of a good boyfriend and decent medication has meant that they are joined every once in a while by something approaching, if not happiness, at least glimpses of it.

One could argue, of course, that “The Search for Love in Manhattan” doesn’t accurately describe this blog anymore either, what with the advent of E.S. v. 2.0, but I for one have always thought of the eponymous love as encompassing not just eros but also agape and philia–of which there is little enough in the world to make a search worthwhile.

And so I’m staying put. At least for now.

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10 Responses to A little over a year

  1. Boo to that sexy man.

    “Fixing what isn’t broken” is what makes the world a better-than-tolerable place to live. You could have something far better than you have now, and you are allowing yourself to be convinced that “good enough” is really good enough. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing as well as possible.

  2. This is what happens when I start writing posts when I’m not tired and then finish them when I’m exhausted: I leave out the important stuff–in this case, that, though “accursèd Faustus” would have been a great title for the kinds of stuff one could find here a year and a half ago, “the search for love in Manhattan” represents far more accurately what this endeavor seems to have become (though, given my current status as somebody with a boyfriend, one has to interpret “love” in the sense of agape rather than eros–which is, perhaps, what’s been true all along).

    So I say yay to that sexy man for keeping Faustus honest.

  3. Paul says:

    I do hope you’re not thinking of taking down your shingle in the blogging universe altogether. Secret Kings did that a few weeks ago, based on some high-domed nonsense about getting a job, and henceforth leading a mundane and unbloggable existence. I doubt your existence–mundane, employed, searching for love, accursèd, or otherwise–could ever be unbloggable. There’s something to be said for continuing to share your skills as raconteur with the world, even in the face of changing foci.

  4. Sin says:

    I just moved to my own domain name because I figured that if I were to pay bloody TypePad as much as I had been, the next year would make me broke. Also, I wanted my blog to look pretty.

    And Faustus, well done. When in doubt, always go with the B text (I encountered a similar issue with Piers Plowman, once upon a time).

  5. rahul says:

    about “serach for love..”, uve got to search for love constantly even when ure IN a relationship, i guess… can’t let that die down… do i sound as sappy as i think i do? 😉

    PS: i like the gnome (or watever) in the pic.

  6. i. bendito says:

    Stay put. Stay honest.

  7. Jeffrey says:

    Gosh, I could say all manner of things that have come to mind (most of them sounding worse than Hallmark or pop psychology), but I suppose I’ll just say I’m glad you’re here.

  8. Convivia says:

    Sweetheart, the thing is that you are so absolutely NOT accursed.

    You are blessed with many great gifts–beauty, intelligence, humor, manifold talents, grace, friends who love you, a perfectly adorable man who is also a fine human being, the world’s most gorgeous dog, a lovely and talented brother, a family whose good qualities you are able to enjoy and whose more unfortunate qualities you have learned to negotiate diplomatically–and faced with a few big challenges, like obstreperous neurons and past sorrows, that you continue to face with integrity and determination.

    And you have great hair.

    But that is a fantastic illustration. Maybe you should put it on a t-shirt at CafePress so your fans can buy it!

    Big kiss.

  9. Cara says:

    The gray and orange blogger template is the coolest. Who needs images when you have text?

  10. Lux says:

    Yes, stay here. This template looks fabulous on you.


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