March 14, 2004

Yesterday afternoon, I had an attack of generalized fear and panic and self-loathing unmatched in recent memory. E.S. and I had the following exchange:

FAUSTUS (in tears): I don’t understand why you’re with me.
E.S.: You don’t need to understand.

Then we watched four episodes of Six Feet Under on HBO on Demand.

What on earth could I have done in a former life to deserve such a man in this one?

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11 Responses to Yesterday afternoon, I had an

  1. tim says:

    okay, you need to stop… get off the cross, Mel Gibson needs it for his film

  2. campbell says:

    He is one very great gentleman; you are very lucky .

  3. anonymous #7 says:

    awwwwwwww! *applauds raucously*

  4. Jalal says:

    You still dont have the answer to that?

    His is with you because you are ready to CRY in front of him and talk to him openly.

    At least that is my opinion. And since my longest relationship has been about 5 minutes I don’t know if you should take that advice seriously.

  5. jeffrey says:

    while you were having those relationship affirming moments, i was being told by my man that while i was asleep(because i get up at 7 am to make food for dumb people making dumb movies- so that i can support us both) he was out “being forced” to drink, snort coke, and make out with a drag queen.
    be happy with what you got babe, you are lucky

  6. Wayne says:

    *Bitch slaps Faus*

    Stop questioning yourself and him why you deserve him.

    Because he deserves you!

    That’s why!!!!

  7. hot toddy says:

    Don’t sell yourself short, baby. I’m sure he wouldn’t be with you if you weren’t giving him LOTS in return. You are just humble enough to not keep track of what you are giving and are just overwhelmed with what you’re receiving.

  8. Convivia says:

    A) Get over yrself, my darling. Remember how annoying Dimmesdale is in The Scarlet Letter? “Here am I, the One Sinner of the World,” etc., etc., etc., self-abnegation-cakes? In the immortal words of Jeremy Piven in PCU, “Dude, don’t be that guy!”

    B) Dizzying spirals of self-loathing are often a sign of neurochemical imbalance. There are people out there who are trained to help with that stuff.

    C) Don’t be silly. I adore you, and we don’t even have great sex, ever. You are sweet, funny, brilliant, thoughtful, and caring. You are also as cute as a button, and if I were a man, I would think you were totally crushworthy.

    If I (who hate almost everyone) love you, why shouldn’t ES?

  9. Mark says:

    The reason he’s with you is because he obviously loves you and thinks you’re an incredible person. And probably numerous other things. Like they said, don’t sell yourself short. I’m envious.

  10. MzOuiser says:

    Gee… I thought I had the lowest self-esteem! You may be unseating me, little man! OFF!

  11. Bruce says:

    Hmm, whenever you write about crying, I get this uncontrollable urge to somehow hug you and pacify you. I wonder what this could be about?


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