February 16, 2004

What I mean is things like this.

I have spent the last three days thinking obsessively about various posts I made while I was dating E.S. the last time, about people I slept with in various settings and various ways but all connected by the thread of gross disrespect for him. My train of thought has run thusly:

I know E.S. said he read my blog. But he never mentioned such-and-such a post or asked about it, though he might be naturally curious about it, and he asked about other things I wrote about. What if he somehow missed this post? That means that, although he knows in a general sense what a cad I was, there’s at least one specific sense in which he doesn’t know. I have to tell him. If I don’t tell him, our relationship is based on a lie. If I do tell him, what if it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back and he breaks up with me, because he hadn’t realized up to this point what a jerk I’d truly been? I have to talk to him I can’t talk to him I have to talk to him I can’t talk to him I–

You get the point. My rational mind realizes that this is all nonsense, that he almost certainly read whatever post I was obsessing about at the time, that even if he missed it somehow, he still knows I was a jerk and has forgiven me, that even if I told him about it and he got mad, he wouldn’t break up with me, that it’s just not that big a deal.

But try telling that to the norepinephrine flooding my locus ceruleus. And I’ve been so preoccupied thinking about this that I’ve become distracted and distant, which in turn is upsetting him, and if I finally work myself up to talking about it with him, I will have invested the issue with such a powerful emotional charge that it will have turned into more than a mountain when really it’s less than a molehill.

At least there’s a Law & Order marathon on TNT all day to distract me.

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12 Responses to What I mean is things

  1. campbell says:

    I am guessing here but how about the following syllogism?
    Faustus seems intelligent and intuitive ergo
    ES is probably the same.
    ES has read Faustus’ blog with care and if he has issues, will raise them in his own good time.

    Good Luck

  2. hot toddy says:

    Norepinephrine flooding your locus whatever? Faustus, how can I help you if you use such big words?

    Break this down into Buffy/Spike terms and maybe I can provide some insight. Thanks.

  3. Wayne says:

    Cupcake, I think you have been focusing too much on how he will break up with you…

    I mean, if he wants to break up with you, then he would never agree to start dating you again… do you know what i’m talking about?

    Being Honest, is actually, one of the keys in unlocking that chasity belt.. wait, no, wrong word. Unlocking the joy being in a relationship, I meant.

  4. Jeff says:

    Honey, there is a point after which people sometimes do not care to know the particulars of the past events, but are content to leave them where they belong: in the past.

    I am going to second Mike’s opinion in the previous entry’s comments, that perhaps it’s best to air these concerns with him or your therapist, but not online.

    If he’s forgiven you, he’s forgiven you. Accept that. Heck, rejoice in that! It’s not often in life we get a second chance.

  5. Paul says:

    I think it is better to leave what happened in the past in the past. I mean you cannot change anything that you did in the past. If he has forgiven you that means that he is ready to forget about the past and focus on the future that the both of you have together. He wouldn’t have given you a second chance if he didn’t feel that you are worth the second go around. Live for the future and what it brings…don’t worry about the past because it is going to eat at you until you wind up pushing him away. He is with you now and years to come hopefully and focus on what tomorrow will bring and just enjoy knowing that he cares for you enough that he is willing to let past events stay where they are “in the past.” From your journal I can tell that you are a very interesting and sweet guy. Don’t let what you have done in the past get to you…just grow from it!! Much luck and love to ya Faustus!! Don’t be so hard on yourself!!

  6. tim says:

    you need to stop thinking and start feeling. I know it’s tough for someone of your genius level to un-intellectualize things, but you must for your own sanity.

  7. I am always in favor of honest and open communications. It is not easy and it never works if it is only one-sided.

  8. Jalal says:

    Faustus I think that you may even worry and obsess more than me at times. That is uncommon.

  9. jaime says:

    Insert Long-winded rant here:

    First, remember the old blog posts were from the OLD Faustus. While they were imminently enjoyable to read (and re-read, in some cases), they are also but a spot on the continuum that is your life. Second, ES called you on your behavior, saw a change and gave you a second chance. So, to ES, while the past relationship with Old Faustus was painful, it’s the NEW relationship with the NEW Faustus that he is in, right? Third, about obsessing over specific blog posts. Imagine, if you will, that you have an ex-boyfriend and you have recently discovered they have an online journal. Would you or would you not 1) check out the journal; 2) start from day one of said journal and read while making snippy comments until you reached the present day? Wouldn’t this be even more compelling if you were actually mentioned throughout this blog? Of course!! The idea that ES doesn’t know something on the blog is less likely than the idea that ES can quote chapter and verse, with date and time citations of said occasions. And before that thought gets you on an obsessive tangent—remember—he is STILL dating you!! I think this all boils down to you deciding whether or not you are worthy of love and/or deserve a good relationship with a great man. We think so, but we’re just the peanut gallery. You have to believe that for yourself.

  10. jaime says:

    p.s. please excuse the extraneous capitalization of the L in long-winded.

  11. Anonymous #7 says:

    You stated in a previous post that you still haven’t forgiven yourself. That seems to be more important than anything else right now. E.S. has forgiven you. He wouldn’t be in a relationship with you otherwise. Turn off Law & Order and seek comfort in E.S. I know I would.

  12. zenchick says:

    honey…even at YOM KIPPUR you are granted forgiveness if you ask for it!!


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