Tomorrow is my meeting with Hal Prince. It is also my two-year blogiversary.
Lately, I’ve been seriously considering giving up this enterprise. It’s not that I figure there’s no point in writing it now that I actually have a boyfriend–first of all, we are a long ways away from using the L-word; and second of all, it has become obvious to me and probably to most of you that I am on a search not for the love of somebody else but for self-love, which I am also a long ways away from, except of course in the most carnal sense. And that kind of self-love I am as intimately acquainted with as anybody.
No, it’s more a combination of other things. Prosaically, now that I’m spending most of my free time with E.S., it’s difficult to find the time I need to craft a post well. When I didn’t have a boyfriend, I could just be amusing about the misery of being single; now that I have one, however, I find myself wondering how much of what I feel about him really belongs on this web site and how much should stay in my psyche. There’s also the very real tension that I feel when life with him intersects with the blogiverse, given how we reconnected and how badly I hurt him last time. There’s also of course the force of entropy working on me: there are actually a lot of things I’m considering giving up, and it’s difficult to tell whether it’s the mood disorders talking or common sense.
Perhaps it’s this last uncertainty that’s keeping me from stopping yet–the not knowing whether I really want to stop or whether this is just one more of the things I’m finding overwhelming for no good reason at the moment.
That, and the burning desire to turn this damn thing into a best-selling novel, which I can’t do unless I actually finish it, rather than just stopping.
So you’re not shut of me quite yet.