December 2, 2003

Today at the gym, the instructor introduced a particularly grueling exercise and said, in honor of last week’s holiday, “We’ll call this one Pie-B-Gone.” After the glimpse I’d caught in the locker room of the tiny love handles that weren’t there this time last week—I actually thought I saw Jesus in one of them but then realized it was just a freckle—I redoubled my efforts with Pie-B-Gone. Wish me luck in getting results.

Then I started thinking about the time when this woman [link no longer active] took the summer musical theater writing class I was co-teaching. One day there was a guest instructor who introduced us to the principles and practice of sketch comedy; one thing we had to do was come up with a commercial for a product. She and I were paired for the exercise, and we came up with an idea for a product that I still think somebody ought to put on the market. It was called Enemy-B-Gone, and it was a machete. The commercial included several illustrations of the various uses of Enemy-B-Gone; all of these illustrations are long gone from the sieve that is my memory, but I do remember our tag line, which was “Enemy-B-Gone. Because some people just deserve to have their heads chopped off.”

It’s occurring to me now that what would really sell, though, is a two-in-one product: Pie-‘n’-Enemy-B-Gone.

Does anybody have any contacts at the U.S. Patent Office?

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9 Responses to Today at the gym, the

  1. cisoux says:

    I don’t, but I will be the first in line to pre-order that machete.

  2. Amanda says:

    Are you supposed to use the machete to cut bits of yourself to get it to work as a Pie B Gone or do you just exercise with it?

  3. Cisoux, I’ll see if I can get you a discount. Amanda, I haven’t worked out the details yet, but maybe it’s about the particularly vigorous chopping off of enemies’ heads?

  4. Lauren says:

    “Pie-‘n’-Enemy-B-Gone. For when you are your own worst enemy.”

  5. Stairs says:

    A great fan, but somewhat reassured that there’s an ocean between us, should one of us ever get offended by the other.

  6. Wayne says:

    I need to do a SH*T loads of Pie-Be-Gone then. Uh, is there anything called Buffet-Be-Gone?? I need something more intense, strong and powerful.

    *starts to iron his belly*

  7. Jalal says:

    Hmmm. I worship you. But you need one of two things.

    1 – Sleep
    2 – Medication

    That was lame humour without the Gore and Blood that any normal human would expect. Next time you have to have pictures of the objects AND the subjects.

  8. good way to lose weight is to get the flu.

  9. Deidre says:

    I actually do have a contact at the US Patent Office! Email Tell him Deidre sent you. Tell him your idea. He will howl with laughter.

    I started Weight Watchers the week of Thanksgiving. I used all my flex points. I gained 4 pounds. however, since then, I have lost 3. I have to assume things will continue to improve. Without resorting to a machete. I hope.


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