December 16, 2003

It’s extraordinary how hemmed in I feel.

When I started this blog, nobody read it. Then a few people started to read it. Then lots of people started to read it.

Then people I knew started to read it.

I want to write about E.S., but I keep censoring myself because, since he knows about the blog, he might read it–not that I’m hiding anything from him this time around, but still. And he’s actually informed me that he’s purposefully not reading it, but still.

I want to write about cheerleading, but I keep censoring myself because a handful of cheerleaders on the squad who’ve stumbled across the blog, including the coach, might read it—not that I’d be writing anything more extreme than what I’ve already written, which seems not to have bothered anybody, but still.

This medium used to be so safe. And it doesn’t feel that way anymore. So for the last few weeks I’ve taken refuge in very brief posts and in stories from my childhood. I’ve drafted a few posts about things closer to my heart—or whatever performs the function of that organ in my body—but haven’t yet found a way to make them work to my satisfaction. And as a result I feel both less funny and less interesting than I used to be.

I’m a long way from giving up this enterprise, I think. But still. It’s a treacherous ocean I seem to have entered.

And I’m terrified that I’ll lose you if I don’t learn to navigate it.

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21 Responses to It's extraordinary how hemmed in

  1. sherry says:

    you wish you could get rid of us that easily!

  2. caliban says:

    Be brave and tell the truth. As Truman Capote said, “Why did they think I was there? For the conversation?”

  3. Sam says:

    Your privacy is like your virginity and innocence, once its gone, its gone.

  4. swb says:

    i feel your pain… are you brave enough to start again? At a new, unknown address?

  5. Sherry: Thank you. Caliban: Thank you too, but somehow Truman Capote isn’t quite whom I have in mind as a life model. Sam: it’s been so long since I’ve been either innocent or a virgin that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to lose them. Swb: No.

  6. Patrick says:

    It really depends on why you are writing. If you are writing for yourself, then it shouldn’t matter what you write, as long as you are happy with it. If you are writing to entertain others, you have to censor to your audience’s standards. It’s a catch 22, but I say write for yourself and use this as the creative outlet you deserve.

  7. Wayne says:

    No matter what you write about, we will be here, reading every single word of it. At least, I know I will. 🙂

  8. orbicon says:

    Bullshit. I’m not leaving you any time soon. Even if you stop posting, i’ll come back to read archives and sob quietly.

  9. hell, i’m still waiting for the promised sex from my donation during the haiku-a-thon…I ain’t givin’ up yet! LOL

  10. mooncake says:

    Can’t leave!!! Your blog is like coffee for me in the morning. Can’t not read it!!!

  11. Todd says:

    Though I know you not, I can see your hand, gently raised to your forehead, your eyes looking off in the distance as you uttered those words. Admirable yes, but not quite Oscar-worthy. Keep writing, it amuses me.

  12. Buni says:

    I wouldn’t worry too much about it Faustus, if they really are interested they’ll check through your archives anyway.

  13. Buni says:

    Sorry, I just noticed two links just as I sent the earlier post; “Faustus is filmed in a pornographic Movie” and Faustus Attends an Orgy”

    You just keep posting away honey – they’ll read it and weep (“,)

  14. Anonymous says:

    i feel your pain. i’m a total stranger, though, and i love reading your blog (and i haven’t heard your childhood stories before, either).

    think of it as further practice in emotional courage.

  15. David says:

    As for me, I’m not going to read it anymore.

  16. zenchick says:

    I’m having the same thoughts about mine right now.
    But keep posting!!! (If anything, the fact that DAVID is going to stop reading should be enough motivation 🙂 )

  17. i know exactly where you’re coming from – knowing that the thought-canvas can no longer be the censor-free platform you used to have.

    on the other hand, i have high hopes that because you are aware of this problem, it will only drive your writing to be better and more effective for the masses who read it on a regular basis.

  18. Dr.P says:

    You can never lose us. Even if you try.

  19. Lauren says:

    Welcome to my world.

  20. tim says:

    oh, screw them all… keep writing things about them… especially that silly Asian fitness instructor who… oh, wait.

  21. sam says:

    Okay, then, write about me.


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