October 10, 2003

On Wednesday, I got certified to perform CPR. This is the next-to-last step in my becoming an aerobics instructor (the last step being actually auditioning at gyms and getting a job).

There are two ways of clearing a possibly blocked airway when somebody isn’t breathing: the regular way (head tilt-chin lift), which you use most of the time, and the jaw thrust, which you use when you suspect the victim may have a head injury. When you’ve used the head tilt-chin lift method of clearing the airway, mouth-to-mouth is pretty simple: you pinch the person’s nose and blow air into his or her mouth. When you’re using the jaw thrust method, however, it’s much trickier, because you’re using both hands to keep the airway open and so you can’t pinch the nose shut. So you end up having to contort your head so that you can block the nostrils with your cheek while blowing air into the person’s mouth.

Anyway, if this all sounds very complicated, it is. Our teacher said that some students never get the hang of it, and that nobody ever gets it right on the first try.

Then I got it right on the first try.

I am a CPR genius.

Now I just have to arrange for Guy Pearce to collapse in front of me with a possible head injury.

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8 Responses to On Wednesday, I got certified

  1. zenchick says:


  2. Adam807 says:

    Is it possible that, um, other experiences have prepared you for this moment?

  3. Annie says:

    When I learnt it we didn’t do mouth-to-mouth but mouth-to-nose because it’s more hygienic …

  4. Adam807 says:

    Mouth to nose is MORE hygenic? Ew, snotty!!

  5. Jeff says:

    As an example of the selfless person I am, I’ll be willing whenever necessary to come to New York so that you may, um, practice.

  6. matt says:

    On the plus side — or not, I guess, depending on the recipient — it is extremely unlikely you will ever have to perform CPR in a real aerobics class.

    I’ve certainly never had to, but perhaps that just means I don’t work the bastards hard enough.

  7. Jalal says:

    Are you this agile only during CPR?

    Oh and yes this question doesnt only seem dirty. It is.

  8. Wayne says:

    **LL, I’d knock Guy Pearce down with a baseball bat just to give him a hard cord mouse-to-mouse CPR.

    But again, I can’t do that. I’m just as nice and shy and sweet and innocent like you.


    *puts an iron mace in his bag*


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