June 21, 2003

My apartment is a mess.

This wouldn’t be a problem—after all, I’ve gotten along fine as a slob for 30 years—except for the fact that I can’t find my combination lock. (Those of you who follow Upside-down Hippopotamus may remember a post I made as a guest blogger about my difficulties with combination locks.)

In any case, my inability to find my combination lock means that, when I go to the gym, I can’t risk putting my street clothes in a locker while I work out or do step class, because someone might steal them; I have to take my gym bag with me, therefore, while I work out or go to step class. This in turn means that I have to take as little as possible with me to the gym, so that the step instructor and the other students don’t hate me when my bag takes up too much room.

This has led me to make certain economies in my gym-going routine. I now take only one towel, for example, instead of my usual two. Sometimes I don’t bring my Discman with me. On Wednesday, I came up with another good idea. “I’ll just go to step class in my regular shorts,” I thought, “and wear them afterwards on my date too.” Since any sweat generated in the region of my pelvis would be absorbed by my underwear, the shorts would remain unsullied and pristine.

I was half right.

The problem, of course, was that I was wearing a long t-shirt, the bottom of which overlapped the top of my shorts. It was an intense step class, and the air conditioning wasn’t working in the room, so I ended up sweating a lot. And although no pelvic sweat found its way to my shorts—which were, remember, the only pair I had with me—a lot of sweat from my t-shirt did.

So I had to go on my date looking exactly like I had peed in my pants.

Luckily, through a combination of distraction and legerdemain, I was able to keep my date from becoming aware of this before the sweat had dried.

Of course, it’s also possible that the thought of me peeing in my pants could have turned him on.

In which case it’s probably just as well that he didn’t notice.

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8 Responses to My apartment is a mess.

  1. Adam807 says:

    Why don’t you just keep your lock IN your gym bag at all times? (When it’s not on your locker, that is.) Sure, there’s always the possibility that you’ll lose your bag altogether, but that seems much harder to do. Then again, I’ve never seen your apartment…

  2. malelib says:

    You wore shorts on your date? :-O

  3. PatCH says:

    It’s in your top right-hand dresser drawer, a bit to the back, under the blue sock. Trust me.

    Oh wait, no, that’s the leftover slice of pizza from yesterday.


  4. Anonymous #7 says:

    Good luck cleaning up the apartment and finding the lock–you wouldn’t want to go out on our date with sweaty gym shorts on, would you? I’m very discerning. I would notice. On a more comforting note, I’m just as much of a mess as you are. I can’t find my birth certificate to have my license changed to NY state and it’s pissing me off. grrrrr

  5. hewton says:

    Since I can barely type (see below), this may not be appreciated. 1st, a new one should be about $5. 2nd, they come with little stickers with the combo printed on…stick on back of gym ID, and as noted, keep all in gym bag. This has saved me from ripping up this dump several times. hewton

  6. Adam807 and hewton, my whole problem with combination locks started when I lost my gym bag. Malelib, I did wear shorts on my date, a sartorial solecism I should have known better than to commit; had I given it a moment’s thought, I would have realized that my date, being Eastern European, would be impeccably dressed, as in fact he was. PatCH, I looked where you suggested and found neither the lock nor a slice of pizza, but—well, let’s just leave it at that. And Anonymous #7, my hope is that my shorts wouldn’t stay on long enough for you to notice whether they were sweaty or not.

  7. Mr.D. says:

    I found it! It’s between “distraction” and “legerdemain”.

    You had it with you all the time!

  8. Emla says:



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