I just had sex with someone named Vlad.
As in Vlad the Impaler.
The number of funny things one could say about this is so great as to paralyze me with indecision.
He wanted to meet in a coffee shop first, which meant that I had to sit and talk with him for half an hour before going up to my apartment. Ordinarily I am a witty and facile conversationalist no matter how awkward the situation or how dull my partner, but Vlad’s English was quite bad and he mumbled, so I understood about every sixth word he said; this rendered me powerless to make conversation, as if I were the Green Lantern and he were dressed all in yellow.
In the event, we eventually made it back to my apartment, where he lived up to his namesake’s name, ha ha ha. Then, as he was leaving, he said, “I’ll see you sometime,” to which I responded, “I’ll see you soon.”
He said, “Well, maybe not that soon.”
What kind of literal-minded buffoon doesn’t realize that, in situations like this, “I’ll see you soon” means “I intend never to see you again as long as I live”?
Plus, why wouldn’t he want to see me soon? Even if I hadn’t been really good in bed, which I was (as usual), I should think the fact that I made absolutely no mention of his body odor would make me an eminently desirable partner for the activity in which we were engaged.
Clearly I am to take one of the following two lessons from this:
1. Require non-native speakers of English to show proof of a passing score on the Test of English as a Foreign Language before I have sex with them; or
2. Don’t have sex with smelly people.