June 24, 2003

I just had sex with someone named Vlad.

As in Vlad the Impaler.

The number of funny things one could say about this is so great as to paralyze me with indecision.

He wanted to meet in a coffee shop first, which meant that I had to sit and talk with him for half an hour before going up to my apartment. Ordinarily I am a witty and facile conversationalist no matter how awkward the situation or how dull my partner, but Vlad’s English was quite bad and he mumbled, so I understood about every sixth word he said; this rendered me powerless to make conversation, as if I were the Green Lantern and he were dressed all in yellow.

In the event, we eventually made it back to my apartment, where he lived up to his namesake’s name, ha ha ha. Then, as he was leaving, he said, “I’ll see you sometime,” to which I responded, “I’ll see you soon.”

He said, “Well, maybe not that soon.”

What kind of literal-minded buffoon doesn’t realize that, in situations like this, “I’ll see you soon” means “I intend never to see you again as long as I live”?

Plus, why wouldn’t he want to see me soon? Even if I hadn’t been really good in bed, which I was (as usual), I should think the fact that I made absolutely no mention of his body odor would make me an eminently desirable partner for the activity in which we were engaged.

Clearly I am to take one of the following two lessons from this:

1. Require non-native speakers of English to show proof of a passing score on the Test of English as a Foreign Language before I have sex with them; or
2. Don’t have sex with smelly people.

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14 Responses to I just had sex with

  1. Anonymous #7 says:

    Sometimes smelly, sweaty sex can be good–just not the smelly in the wrong way kind of sex. A man’s natural body scent can be great the day of, but left to its own devices many days later there’s just no excuse.

  2. Jonny says:

    The American penchant for “the vague statement” or “the white lie” is always lost on the European, because they are so literal. They just don’t get it, and their comments betray this.

  3. Thom says:

    As if I weren’t already feeling such lust and awe, that brilliant analogy about the Green Lantern has me weak in the knees. If it didn’t make me sound like a bottom, I’d tell you that I want to have your babies.

  4. Please, take at least lesson #2. Life’s too short to spend holding one’s breath.

  5. Silvya says:

    This reminds me of a Hungarian fellow I know by the name of Attila. As in Attila the Hun(garian?). Since this has dawned on me, I’ve been unable to greet him with a straight face.

  6. Wayne says:

    Oh wow, detail indeed.

    Try Lesson #3:

    Learn the language and say “Bath and Body Works Body Mist is on sale. Buy’em and Use’em”

  7. Anonymous #7, I’m glad to know where you stand on the issue; it puts my mind at ease about our eventual meeting. Thom, I hate children, so it’s just as well that that desire remains unexpressed. And the Green Lantern was by far the best super hero, since he was the best at accessorizing. Wayne, Vlad was actually not the Bulgarian from the other night—he was Russian. I’m seeing the Bulgarian again tonight, so perhaps I’ll have more to report later.

  8. sam says:

    So are American monolithic generalizations, Jonny.

    I can’t decide which lesson is more critical to your future happiness. Perhaps you should take both under advisement?

  9. Akasha says:

    European boys = uncut. YumMY.

  10. Jeff says:

    Another possible solution to #2: sex in the shower.

  11. Tin Man says:

    Akasha, ew.

  12. tim says:

    Ignore last comment… uh, perhaps you should spend your energy finding that soulmate and stop this random sex…

  13. Sounds like a cheesy time was had by all!

    Gorgonzola, anyone?

  14. Camilo says:

    Well, I got 93% on the TOEFL. Do i get to date you?


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