March 4, 2003

Last night I went to Duane Reade to get contact lens solution and, generously, a diet Sprite for my brother (who is also my roommate). The person in front of me in line somehow managed to make a request that required the only cashier on duty to disappear for what seemed like an eternity. While I waited, I picked up a box of orange Tic Tacs. I figured, okay, if each of these has half a calorie, then even if I eat the whole box right here and now I should be okay. So I did.

Then, when the cashier had returned after her eternity away, and after the person in front of me had made three or four more requests that, while annoyingly time-consuming, didn’t require the cashier’s further disappearance, I stepped up to the register and presented my contact solution, my diet Sprite, and my empty box of orange Tic Tacs.

She rang up the contact solution and the diet Sprite. Then she got to the empty Tic Tac box and stopped cold. She looked at me as one might look at a person one suspects of being a dangerous lunatic and asked, “What is this?”

“It’s a box of Tic Tacs,” I said. “I got hungry waiting for you to come back so I ate them all.”

It was as if I had confessed to eating my family.

“You’re not supposed to eat these all at once! You’re supposed to eat them two or three at a time!”

I was momentarily thrown off balance, but I quickly recovered my equilibrium.

“I did. I ate two. Then I ate three. Then I ate two more. Then I ate three more.”

She expelled her breath in disgust, rang up the Tic Tacs, took my money, gave my change, handed me my receipt, and stapled my bag shut, all without saying another word.

The Rite Aid is a block further away but maybe it’s worth it.

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18 Responses to Last night I went to

  1. bob says:

    I love the DR girls. They’re clearly in training to be really rude, so they can apply for work at the D’Agastino’s on 23rd Street.

  2. milksop says:

    I actually have a theory about Duane Reade employees: they are not allowed to move more than one muscle at the same time. (This does not include the diaphragm sigh-inducer, or the ocular-rolling muscles.) Test it out. It’s real, I swear.

  3. Jon says:

    Thank you for the funniest thing I read today. And I mean, late Tuesday night, not “early Wednesday morning.”

  4. One who judges harshly says:

    I thought we had discussed the Duane Reade curse. You have now experienced it firsthand. I just hope you didn’t get food poisoning from the Tic Tacs.

  5. Adam807 says:

    The only thing worse than stupid store clerks is judgemental ones! It’s a drug store, for god’s sake! What do you suppose she does to people who buy products that are actually embarrassing?

    Though I have to wonder, did the Tic Tacs actually satisfy your hunger at all?

  6. I like the new lime mints myself. But that’s just me…seems like we’veboth had bad shopping experiences as of late…check out my blog for my Gap story

  7. Tin Man says:

    Oh my god, Milksop is totally right. It even transcends state lines. There’s a Duane Reade around the corner from my office in Newark, and there’s this one cashier there who never talks or smiles. This only makes me try harder to have a conversation with her. It doesn’t work.

  8. Akasha says:

    A whole box of tic tacs! That’s insane. I wonder if it turned your poo orange.. but that’s just me.

  9. Akasha, I had a box last night in my cab going home and one after breakfast this morning….poo pretty much a normal color

  10. BethAnn says:

    Gee, and I thought I was the only one that drugstore employees had a problem with. You’ve made me feel much better Faustus.

    When I was 18 I went to the drugstore with a prescription for tetracycline (for acne). As the pharmacist handed it to me he said in a LOUD voice “is this for you and your partner or just you alone?” There was a huge lineup and everyone turned and looked at me as I turned 10 shades of red.

    Then, when I was pregnant, a cashier at Shoppers Drug Mart asked me if I was having twins, when I said “no” she said “are you sure?”. Sweet!


  11. marquito says:

    LOL! My mom brought a 6-pack of orange tic tacs home a few days ago and I’ve already eaten 3 packs. The orange ones are more candy than breath mint, though. You can’t have just one. What planet is that cashier from?!

  12. greg says:

    Does anybody remember the competition to tic tacs from back in the eighties. The boxes snapped together… I used to eat boxes and boxes of those, and nothing bad ever happened. I wonder what they were called… maybe I’m just hallucinating the whole thing.

  13. Tina says:

    Greg, I think you are thinking of “Nerds” candy… does this look like what you are thinking of? :/

  14. Greg says:

    I always thought the Orange tic tacs were chewy. Is it just me?

  15. Tina says:

    I don’t know about them being chewy…but they were the best ones…

  16. greg says:

    No, Tina… I know Nerds. These were something else completely. They came in like a Lego container, except they were like minty fruit. The boxes snapped together. They tasted really bad.

  17. Ed says:

    HA! I’ve done that many a time. It sounds like the Rite-Aid is definitely worth it…. 😛

  18. marquito says:

    Yes, Tina. They are the best ones. Hands down! LOL


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