February 6, 2003

I was IMing a couple days ago with this man, whom I love madly though we’ve never met, when the subject of sperm donation came up, and I realized I’d never mentioned my time as a sperm donor in these pages. Rather than write a long entry about a series of events that happened years ago, I am going to post the lyrics to the (true) song I wrote about the experience. It’s called “In The Lesbians’ Bathroom.” Lyrics are in italics; stage directions are in parentheses and not italicized.

So I’m here
In the lesbians’ bathroom.
I’ve got my own plastic baggie
For making a kid
Right here in my hand.

(Looks at right hand. Sees baggie in right hand.)

I guess I need that hand.

(Shifts baggie to left hand.)

Right here in my hand.

So I’m here
In the lesbians’ bathroom.
I brought the right reading material
For making a kid:
Honcho magazine.
Good thing I thought ahead.
The lesbians don’t subscribe to Honcho.

I had to get a sperm count
And a motility test.
(Those little guys can swim, lemme tell you!)
And sixty-seven percent of my sperm
Are not deformed.
(Apparently that number is high
Since they started throwing chemicals and shit in the water.)

The lesbians are waiting
With their turkey baster in hand
(‘Cause they’re old fashioned).
So let’s just see what Honcho magazine
Has got to say:
“He opened up his eyes and he gasped
At the low-hanging bag of love of the youthful Umberto.”



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2 Responses to I was IMing a couple

  1. john says:

    that was so beautiful.

  2. nat says:

    You should definitely be passing your genes along! But I’m one of the last of the non-reproducing lesbians so I promise I won’t pester you for swimmers.


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