January 1, 2003

This is the problem when you go away for a week and leave your blog in the hands of somebody who is both cooler and sexier than you—all your readers, including most probably your soul mate, will fall madly in love with him, and since the entire purpose of your starting a blog was to make everybody love you the most, you will be left with a strange and empty feeling of purposelessness in life.

But since a strange and empty feeling of purposelessness in life is pretty much par for the course for me, I don’t suppose this is any different.

The second most important thing I learned on my visit to Prague was that if there is any chance you will be visiting a sauna, perhaps in hopes that you will find yourself in the middle of a Bel Ami video, make sure to bring your contact lenses. If you don’t, you will end up either having to wear your glasses—and no matter how good they look on you when you’re dressed, they look ridiculously unsexy when they’re the only thing you’re wearing—or not being able to see a goddamn thing. This will render you completely incapable of picking up on the subtle visual clues that are the entire basis of cruising, which means that every man in the place could be staring at you with undisguised lust, and you won’t know it, and you will instead be filled with despair and self-loathing because you are absolutely certain that no one wants to have sex with you.

Furthermore, when you find someone who gives you unmistakable clues that he is interested—by, say, sitting down next to you and starting to jack you off—you will have no idea whether he is young, handsome, and lithe, or old, ugly, and fat.

I discovered eventually, using senses other than sight, that he was far closer to the former than to the latter. This was lucky, because by that time, given the extremely low probability of his having five hands and three penises, it would have been awkward, to say the least, for me to extricate myself from the situation without offending any number of people.

Then, in our chat afterwards, he revealed that his grandmother had been an inmate of the concentration camp I’d spent the day touring. I was very careful not to ask any questions for fear of discovering I’d just had sex with the grandson of the Holocaust survivor I’d interviewed three hours earlier.

So the thing about contact lenses was, as I say, the second most important thing I learned on my trip.

The most important thing I learned was that I have finally found a hair product strong enough to prevent sex hair.

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9 Responses to This is the problem when

  1. Tina says:

    We missed you…

    Happy New Year!! 🙂

  2. Chris says:

    Milksop was fun, but he’ll never usurp you in my heart, pookie.

    Unless you don’t tell us what the magic hair product is.

  3. ? says:

    WE MISSED YOU! Don’t go away again!!!

  4. Convivia says:

    I still love you the most. Always will. Mwahhh!

  5. Welcome back babycakes…I’m still hungover

  6. John says:

    I’m from LA and read your blog (thanks to Angelo) and think its great. I’m in NYC for a week and know why you love being here.

    Take it easy

  7. Jeff says:

    Well, it sounds like your new year has started with a bang. Welcome home!

  8. sam says:

    Is this a magic Czech hair product?

    Welcome back. Isn’t there enough love to go around?

  9. philo says:

    I’m with Chris. Spill the magic hair product details.


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