December 11, 2002

Today I had my first cheersetback.

On a cheerleading squad, there are two positions. These are not, as one might expect on a gay cheerleading squad, “top” and “bottom,” since everybody on the squad is very clearly a bottom, but “base” and “flyer.” A flyer is, of course, somebody who gets thrown in the air, and a base is somebody who does the throwing. From the moment I realized there was a chance I could be a cheerleader, the dearest wish of my heart was to be thrown in the air. Since I am short and fairly slim, this seemed to be a reasonable thing to hope for if I made the squad.

So they sent out an e-mail today about squad positions. I eagerly scanned the list for my name and was shattered to see next to it the words “mid base flyer.”

Clearly they think I am TOO FAT TO BE THROWN IN THE AIR.

I’m trying to decide whether to lose fifteen pounds or to eliminate the pure flyers on the squad one by one until they are forced to promote me to pure flyer status.

The latter would be both healthier and much more fun.