December 19, 2002

The best thing I have discovered in my lackadaisical Christmas shopping is this, a solid gold replica of the One Ring from The Lord of the Rings.

I think they’re missing out on some marketing possibilities: “You, too, can own the source of all evil in the world for five easy payments of just $59.99!”

So of course I bought five.

Not being able to afford the solid gold kind, I got the cheap kind that turns your finger green if you actually put it on. But presumably if the people I give them to as gifts put them on, they will become invisible and therefore discolored fingers will not be an issue.

Can you imagine the thank you notes I’ll get?

“Dear Faustus,

“Thank you very much for the Ring of Power. As you may know, I am finding it very helpful in my quest to dominate the world. My favorite use for it so far has been to find the three rings for elven kings, the seven for the dwarf lords, and the nine for mortal men, and in the darkness bind them. I look forward to hours of fun creating Ringwraiths of men foolish enough to believe my deceitful promises.

“Wishing you a joyous holiday season, I am sincerely yours, etc., etc.”

Maybe I should have knitted people socks instead. Or given them lube.

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8 Responses to The best thing I have

  1. Adam807 says:

    You know I love you, but between this and the JC Penney pants you are officially the Biggest Dork in the Universe.

    I guess the fact that you’re a big cheerleader slut balances this out a little bit.

    Reply
  2. Mmmmmm lube. Is it flavored?

    Reply
  3. fish says:

    Faustus! You crack me up! I think I’m falling platonically in love with you. I hope that’s alright. šŸ˜‰

    Reply
  4. johnny says:

    that has got to be the second most hilarious thing I’ve seen after french and saunders’ special on LOTR shown last night on arts central. LMAO!

    Reply
  5. Akasha says:

    Hmm.. the one on the LOTR’s site says you’re supposed to wear them on a necklace.. so instead of a green finger, you’ll give giving people lovely green marks on their chest. Not unlike Scarlette’s letter.

    Reply
  6. Faustus, MD says:

    Fish, I am delighted that you are falling platonically in love with me. However, if you have any gay male friends who might be interested in falling nonplatonically in love with me, do let me know.

    Reply
  7. jami says:

    fish stole what i was gonna say. its too bad gays are gay. theyd get all the women!!
    faustus: hit up the dreamy kansan

    Reply
  8. marquito says:

    What size did you buy… if big enough, the guys you give the rings to will be able to dominate the world with another appendage… I guess that’s where the lube comes in. ;P happy holidaze

    Reply

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