December 1, 2002

I spent the day today writing a song about duct tape.

The Duck brand duct tape company is sponsoring a contest for the best song written about duct tape, with a first prize of $2,500. A brilliant collaborator of mine and I decided to write a song about being abducted by aliens.

Get it? AbDUCTed, DUCT tape? Get it?

So it’s this guy who gets abducted by aliens, who tell him that they have seen how powerful duct tape is, and so it must clearly be a weapon, though they can’t quite figure out how, but they’re going to destroy Earth rather than allow this weapon to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting galaxy. All the hero’s protests about the usefulness of duct tape are in vain. The aliens are about to pull the trigger . . .

. . . when all of a sudden a meteor strikes their ship, leaving a huge gash in the side, which our hero REPAIRS WITH DUCK BRAND DUCT TAPE.

So instead of destroying Earth, the aliens invite us to join the Galactic Federation.

We had better fucking win this contest.

If we don’t, I know where to send the aliens first.

I should note that the Honorable Mention prize in this contest is a year’s supply of duct tape. I would really rather have my half of the $2,500, but if I get the duct tape, I suppose I could use it to bind the disfigured man so that he’s no longer capable of following me to orgies.