December 18, 2002

I don’t quite know how this happened, but yesterday’s post showed up as being written by David Buscher, who writes Upside-down Hippopotamus and who has guest blogged for me in the past. Lest you impute my feelings about my colon to David, let me hasten to assure you that it was I and not David who got the colonic irrigation.

In other news, today has so far been a day full of disappointment and embarrassment. Which means it must be Wednesday.

Standing in the 0 Kelvin cold outside of the movie theater where my friends D.R., B.N., and I had tickets to see Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, I got into a fascinating conversation with the very handsome man standing in front of me (fascinating not least because he was so handsome) and was within seconds of asking him if he wanted to get hot chocolate some time when he said something about his wife.

I instantly stopped talking to him.

Then I got to work, where my crush asked me if I wanted to go to Starbucks. Heart a-flutter, I agreed; I started trembling when, after we got outside, he revealed that he didn’t really want to go to Starbucks but had something he wanted to talk to me about.

Then he told me all about the date he had last night with this guy he’s now totally in love with.

When I got back to the office from our hope-crushing nonvisit to Starbucks, I saw that some very considerate soul had placed the bottle of lube that I carry with me (and that must have fallen out of my bag) neatly in the center of my desk. I’m terrified that it was my boss, but I can’t very well go around asking, “hey, were you the one who picked up the bottle of lube that fell out of my bag and so considerately put it on my desk? If so, thanks a million!”

I want to die.

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10 Responses to I don't quite know how

  1. a broad says:

    The movie hottie was in denial, the office crush was trying to make you jealous, and the anonymous lube elf is simply too shy to proclaim his love.

  2. ettienne esteban says:

    Hmmm… your office crush asks you to step outside, and lube mysteriously appears on your desk? He’s obviously your Secret Santa. (Do lil’ Jewish boys get into the whole Secret Santa thing?)

  3. Oh my…that’s just wrong on multiple levels. I mean…that’s really wrong…and apparently someone in your office is a bit of an ass…

  4. fish says:

    oh god! your day is not off to a good start!

  5. Akasha says:

    Hmm.. I guess I’ll be the one to ask..

    Why do you carry lube around? For emergency purposes? Is it a gay thing? 😉 I’ll have to ask my gay coworker if he does it too..

  6. Adam807 says:

    I want a lube elf!!

  7. Adam807 says:

    (Just so we’re clear, I want an ACTUAL lube elf, not a metaphorical one. My boyfriend reads this blog too.)

  8. Faustus, MD says:

    I carry lube around because, of course, one never knows when one will need it. I carry condoms with me for the same reason. Far better to have them and not need them than to need them and not have them. Though the best, of course, is to need them and have them. One of life’s small joys.

  9. Sadly, I could have them with me but at my gym I would never need them…sigh…that is a tragedy of life…

  10. stephen says:

    i once was caught shoplifting lube in the early eighties and i was sleeping with a guy who left me for roy cohn, and then was immortilized in Angels in America, the play.



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