December 22, 2002

I am about to cry. I realized all of a sudden yesterday that I don’t have a single pair of pants or jeans that isn’t too big for me. When I lost a quarter of my body weight a year ago, I bought new clothes, but I didn’t wait quite long enough, and lost a little bit more, so every single article of clothing I put on my legs makes me look like a homeless person.

So I’ve been wandering around New York looking for jeans that fit me (28 waist, 28 inseam) and there isn’t a single fucking pair. Old Navy carries them but they’re out—big fucking shocker, since it’s two days before Christmas. Lots of places have size 28 jeans (H&M, in fact, has size 28 jeans and lots of other attractive size 28 pants) but they all have at least a 30 inseam, which means they cover my feet and make me look like a deformed merman. Of course I could buy them and have them hemmed but I want clothes that fit RIGHT NOW. I’m going to Prague the day after Christmas and if I have to go in clothes that don’t fit I will have a seizure on the airplane.

Don’t ask me why I’ve had absolutely no problem wearing ill-fitting clothes for a year and now all of a sudden I would rather eat my own snot in public than go out wearing the clothes I own. Because I can’t explain it.

Also I bought a great jacket at H&M but it’s too big too.

Being thin again is usually great but right now I want to curse God and die.

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