Today, due to inexplicable technical quirks in the Blogger system, I faced the possibility that I would never again be able to blog again. The blog stayed stuck at yesterday’s post and no matter what or how I posted or published, nothing else would show up. I couldn’t even plan a move to a new server or domain name, because how would I let readers with whom I wasn’t in direct contact know? They would think I had given up on the whole thing, and with an incomplete audience I would also have an incomplete voice. I had visions of my blog floating through the internet like a ghost ship, seemingly seaworthy but in fact abandoned, its captain and crew vanished into silent nothingness.
I wish there were some way for me to communicate to you the panic and despair into which this plunged me.
This man and this man saved my life.
I wish there were something more valuable than my sexual favors with which to repay them, like, say, my chastity, but that, alas, is long gone, vanished into the silent nothingness that almost swallowed me too.
Perhaps baking the both of them a warm apple pie would suffice. I’ve heard it said that losing your virginity is like a warm apple pie. (As I’m allergic to apples, I have no idea how this analogy works. But I’m sure that you could figure it out for yourself.)
I like pie. I think I like it more than I liked losing my virginity. But then, that’s apparently off the table for good…
(Internet, as you used it in the fourth sentence, should be capitalized. The “Internet” is all LANs networked together. An “internet” is just a private network.)