Monthly Archives: May 2007

My show opens tomorrow night.

I am choosing to interpret the fact that at breakfast this morning I both vomited and fainted as indicative of my nervousness about the show’s reception rather than of my unconscious feelings about what we have written.

With a great deal of concentrated effort, I have managed to translate most of the hieroglyphs in the ancient Egyptian final exam I posted a couple weeks ago. Here’s what I have so far.

“Please let me _____ your _____,” he begged, lost in lust. “I need your young stud _____ so bad, please give it to me.” I was only too happy to oblige. I ______ all ___ inches down his throat, mercilessly _______(ing) his face, my low-hanging _____ slapping his chin. ‘Officer, you sure do know your way around a _______,’ I moaned as his tongue ________ all over my _____, sucking gently on the head and ____________________ as his hands plied my heavy _______.”

I’m having a little trouble with the blanks; I think I need to get a more comprehensive dictionary.

For the last few days I have been in Seattle attending rehearsals for the show the man who has never been seen in the same room as me has written that’s being produced here.

Technically speaking, though I am going to bed and waking up in Seattle, where I am staying with my brother, I have been attending rehearsals in Issaquah, which is about 45 miles from Seattle. This means that I spend part of every day behind the wheel of a car.

As you might imagine, since I am a resident of New York City I am rarely called upon to drive. I also didn’t drive in college. With a handful of exceptions, I have not driven a car in more than fifteen years.

So watch the fuck out.

For my final exam in ancient Egyptian, I have to translate this (click on the picture to see an enlarged version):

For those unfortunate enough to have missed the Natasha-in-blackface moment on last week’s Top Model, here is visual evidence, courtesy of him.