Monthly Archives: June 2003

June 18, 2003

Several people have written me (well, all right, three) asking me whether the two items on this post’s second list are related—whether, in fact, the Anaerobic Physicist (don’t ask me why I’ve decided to call him that, because I don’t know) had finally come to his senses. Alas, the answer to both questions is no. The Anaerobic Physicist is on vacation until the middle of next month, which means that I couldn’t play the sympathy card with him even if I wanted to (oh, who am I kidding, of course I want to). Item #2 on the list is a direct result of the fact that I seem to have rejoined men4sexnow.com. The whole not getting any just started to get to me after a point.

I have also concurrently rejoined planet out. Tonight I have a date with someone from Bulgaria. The genius of this move escaped me until moments ago: if English is not his native tongue, then lapses in grammar and spelling don’t count!

At least not minor ones.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 1 Comment

June 16, 2003

I was all set to write a post about how I feel like a terrible homosexual because I ended up seeing neither Finding Nemo nor Broadway Bares, but it was swept from my mind by the uncanny resemblence of the x-ray technician at St. Vincent’s to Aughra from The Dark Crystal. I was terrified she was going to remove an eye, shove it in my face, and say portentously, “There is much to be learned, and you have no time!” (It’s the fifth .wav file down.)

Lucky for me, both of her eyes stayed where they were. Now I have a sexy cast (instead of a splint) and some codeine, which I am about to take.

I’ve never taken codeine before and I can’t wait.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 7 Comments

June 15, 2003

N.B.: This is today’s second post of two.

I’m not quite sure how I’ve managed to live in New York for six years and never see Broadway Bares, the strip show featuring Broadway actors taking their clothes off to benefit Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS, but at midnight tonight I am going to rectify the oversight.

But first I’m seeing Finding Nemo.

Cartoon fish and naked hunks. Could I be gayer?

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 2 Comments

June 15, 2003

Please forgive me for breaking my promise to post twice yesterday. I was unexpectedly called upon to demonstrate anew the validity of #2 in the second list in yesterday’s entry. I’ll do my best to post twice today, but of course if my honor is called into question my first duty is to defend it. I mean not to defend it. Oh, you know what I mean.

If I’d known about the fringe benefits I would have started breaking bones long before now.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 1 Comment

June 14, 2003

N.B.: I’ll be posting twice today. This is the first.

Two short lists, based on my experiences yesterday, my first full day as a cripple:

Things I Can’t Do With my Arm in a Splint and Sling

1. button my shorts.
2. tie my shoes.

Things I Can Do With my Arm in a Splint and Sling

1. go to step aerobics class.
2. get fucked up the ass.

Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 17 Comments

June 12, 2003

Tonight at cheerleading practice I threw a round-off back tuck.

Then I threw two more.

Then I broke the fourth metacarpal in my left hand.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 12 Comments

June 11, 2003

My mother’s ancestors came to South Carolina in 1610 from France, where, as Huguenots, they had suffered merciless persecution at the hands of the Catholics. In 1685, Louis XIV revoked the Edict of Nantes, which had for 90 years been French Protestants’ only protection, flimsy though it was. An ancestor of mine, safely ensconced in Charleston, had this to say:

Ah, my children! The blood-soaked soil of France cries to heaven for vengeance, and vengeance it will have! Just as surely as righteous Abel’s blood, crying from the earth to God for vengeance upon his murderer, brought down the curse upon Cain, so will a lasting curse rest upon France. Mark well what I say to you! France, guilty France, will never again be blessed with peace, prosperity, and quiet; but, on the contrary, trouble, violence, and revolution after revolution will vex and rend those who have thus troubled and murdered the people of God. Therefore, my dear children, never do you return to France—keep yourselves clear of it, if you would keep clear of the fearful curse that hangs over it.

I’m not sure whether he was talking about the infrequency of French bathing or Disneyland Paris, but it’s nice to know that at least one of my forebears understood the importance of a good curse.

Confidential to David (TEFL Smiler): Dessverre, saa forsto jeg din kommentering. Saa, mens jeg er veldig takknemlig for ditt arbeide, skal jeg fortsette aa proeve.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 5 Comments

June 10, 2003

It is I, Faustus. I have returned.

Yesterday was the reading of my concentration camp musical.

There is a lot of rewriting and fixing to be done, but when a quarter of the actors and half the audience are crying by the end of the show, you’re probably doing something right.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 7 Comments

June 9, 2003

I have only one thing to say today, which overshadows all other happenings of the day:

Bernadette Peters was robbed. Robbed robbed robbed.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 6 Comments

June 7, 2003

Faustus has instructed me to begin each entry with a mention that it is I, and not he, who is blogging for the next few days. To avoid reader confusion, you see. So, Faustus is away, he will be back Monday, I think, and until then, you will have to make do with a neurotic lesbian New Yorker, rather than a neurotic gay New Yorker.

I am sure you all have been waiting to hear how my reunion adventures are proceeding. I have to say, it has been extremely exhausting. And it’s hard to be pithy or humorous about it, as I am standing at a Mac kiosk, experiencing extreme nostalgia for all the times I stood in this very place and checked my email after a lecture or before running to work at the music library. My old dorm is just the same, even the mural paintings in the tunnels connecting the buildings are pretty much unchanged. So really I am just a big old ball of sappiness right now. No neuroses. I am even recalling studying for finals in a melancholy and longing way.

Now if only I could experience such contentment IN the moment, rather than looking back at it!

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 2 Comments