I ended up not including this because when I posted it as part of a question in a Facebook status, probably more than half of the people who commented were like, yeah, I wouldn't really care. I still like the idea, though.
I’ve long harbored a fantasy in which I’m a lawyer, arguing in favor of marriage equality in a courtroom in front of a judge and twelve jurors. (This fantasy already makes no sense, since trials about the validity of laws don’t involve juries. But just go with me, okay?) Imagine yourself, please, to be one of the jurors.
It’s just after lunch, and I come in with a batch of homemade cupcakes. They smell delicious, and they are covered with delicious-looking sugar frosting: some are chocolate, some yellow cake, some red velve, all with sprinkles on top. I walk around the courtroom with the cupcakes, offering them to the spectators, to the bailiff, to the court reporter, to the judge, to Chris Meloni as Detective Stabler in Law & Order: SVU (I may be reluctant to let go of that particular cupcake so that his hand is forced into a few moments’ more contact with mine before he pulls it to his mouth). Some people take chocolate cupcakes; others take yellow; others take red velvet. (Chris Meloni doesn’t notice what color his cupcake is as he’s too busy staring deep into my eyes.) Then I head for the jury box and hold out the cupcakes. You look at the batch of cupcakes and one of them starts looking particularly delicious to you, a chocolate cupcake with red frosting. As you reach out to take the one you want, I pull the cupcakes back quickly and say, “Oh, no. I’m sorry. The jurors aren’t allowed to have the chocolate cupcakes.” Then I go back to the defense table, leave the chocolate cupcakes there, and come back to the jury box with just the yellow cake and red velvet cupcakes. “You can have any of these cupcakes you like,” I say. “Just not the other ones. But it’s okay, because you’re still getting a cupcake.”
Now, you might very well decide to take a cupcake anyway; after all, I bake an excellent cupcake. My guess, though, is that while you eat it you’re going to be thinking, Fuck you and your goddamn cupcake. I certainly would be, in your place.
The fantasy continues and the jury takes all of ten minutes to reach a verdict in my favor, at which point Chris Meloni as Detective Stabler in Law & Order: SVU decides he wants to congratulate me in private and takes me into an interrogation room and—well, you can imagine how the rest goes.
But that’s how I feel toward the opponents of marriage equality: Fuck you and your goddamn cupcake.
November 18, am. vgrmalaysia.net December 4, am.
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