The one thing that came close to marring my experience of Donnie Darko last night (but, luckily, not close enough) was the near free-for-all of conversations going on around me, both between people and on cell phones.
Now, ordinarily I am adamantly opposed to talking at all during a movie; you can understand, therefore, why I believe that allowing a cell phone to ring, answering it, and either proceeding to have a conversation or climbing over everybody to have the conversation outside the theater is a compounded crime so heinous as to warrant instant decapitation.
Which leaves me mystified as to why the gentleman sitting several rows in front of me was permitted to live. His cell phone rang four times during the movie, and he answered it and left the theater each time, coming back after he was done, much to the irritation of his rowmates. After the movie, I ran into a friend of mine, who, it turned out, had been unfortunate enough to sit next to Inconsiderate Cell Phone Man. I asked him what in God’s name had been going on.
My friend replied, “He said his wife was having a baby.”
I stared, agog.
My friend said, “I asked him why the fuck he was at the movies instead of at the hospital with his wife. He did not have a satisfactory answer.”
Can you figure out why I didn’t pull out a machete, pursue this man, and chop his head off?
Because I sure can’t.
You probably didn’t decapitate this man because nobody would’ve backed you.
You probably didn’t pursue and behead this man because your wife was having a baby.
If you had done it, that would have been a favor to his wife and baby-in-waiting. What a dick!
Let’s get real. We all know you gave up carrying a machete around about the time you stop wearing velour. You have stopped wearing velour haven’t you?
because unlike him, you have social morals. You do don’t you? lol.
I thought my husband was bad for leaving to feed the dogs when I was in labor!
If there’s any justice, his wife will chew him a new one and his baby will have colic.
You didn’t happen to have a machete about your person at the time?
Something is telling me that he doesn’t like his wife or suspects that the baby is not really his.
The situation has been rectified. He is now headless. Please excuse me while I go clean my machete. Jeffrey, you’re next if you reveal any more secrets from my past.
Go Jeffrey go! Boy, would I love to know more about Fausuts’ past life! And if Jeffrey gets decapitated as a consequence, you’ll be next on my list, Faustus! 😉